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Please note the following patients have all been admitted to the Toy Hospital after suffering distress at the hands, tongue and feet of Subject A (male, approx 5 years old) and Subject B (female, approx 2 years old).

 

Mr ‘My Eyes, Oh God, What Did They Do To My Eyes?’

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DIAGNOSIS:

Patient was brought in complaining of severe headaches, diagnosis was swift and accurate: patient had no eyes. Believed to have been brought about via subject B’s curiosity and love of dismantling. Patient adamant that eyes were ‘licked off’. Patient had also had underneath of body opened up and batteries removed.

PROGNOSIS:

Recommend patient has eye surgery via either ten mls of marker paint, or alternatively can use new procedure whereby felt eyes are cut out and then pasted on to patient. New batteries have been sourced and inserted – a procedure that the patient seemed to enjoy.

Would also recommend patient stays safe till Halloween, perhaps in a dusty box somewhere.

 

PRINCESS PEACH’S HEAD WITH NO BODY OR KART

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DIAGNOSIS:

Patient was rushed to hospital complaining of ‘numb feeling’ in lower extremities, torso, legs, arms etc. It became immediately apparent that patient was in fact just a head, and was lacking body. Patient also complained of loss of ‘Kart’.

Apparently patient was driving around on said Kart when she encountered subject B. Subject B then proceeded, for reasons known only to herself, to remove patient’s head from rest of body and Kart.

Body and Kart, despite Toy Hospital’s best efforts, remain lost.

PROGNOSIS:

Not good. Patient has been made comfortable by being placed on spare Lego Hulkbuster suit, but this can only be a temporary measure at best. New body needs to be sourced and potentially the next patient on today’s list holds the key…

 

MARIO’S KART WITH NO HEAD

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DIAGNOSIS:

Patient was brought in not complaining of anything, this was discovered to be due to patient’s lack of head. Suspected trauma in connection with earlier patient, potentially a ‘toy serial killer’ in the guise of subject B was swiftly discussed, then dismissed as subject A had been witnessed ‘playing’ with patient all day.

PROGNOSIS:

Despite it going against all Toy Conventions, it has been proposed that we merge this patient’s body with previous patient’s head. This will take some time and may result in some gender confusion, as well as a  total loss of plumbing skills. However with the materials we have at hand this is the best possible solution.

 

A VERY EXPENSIVE ITEM INDEED

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DIAGNOSIS:

Patient brought in complaining of chest pains. Further investigation brought to light the fact that patient’s ‘screen’ no longer worked. This was solely as a result of subject A ‘doing nothing’ to the patient. Patient attests that he was dropped on the floor by subject A and yet subject A was then heard to say that patient ‘just fell’.

After this incident subject A was not seen for some time.

PROGNOSIS:

Damn it man I’m a Doctor, not an engineer! I deal in plastics, not circuits! With this in mind it is my recommendation that patient be sent to ‘Uncle Paul’ who is an engineer – of sorts – and is ‘good with that sort of thing’.

Patient is NOT I repeat NOT to be handed over to parent A (male, approx 40 years old) of subjects A and B for repairs. I have seen his handiwork before…

AN INCREDIBLY COMPLICATED LUMP OF PLASTIC

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DIAGNOSIS:

Patient was brought into hospital with no apparent injuries, damage or physical issues of any kind. It soon became apparent however, that the patient’s problems were much more deep-rooted. Patient is stuck in mid-transformation and, despite putting our top minds to work on it, we have yet to successfully transform him either into a truck or a robot.

It is apparent that this is not an issue with either subject A or B, but rather with the lack of instruction manual.

PROGNOSIS:

Having sent some of the aforementioned ‘top minds’ insane in their efforts to figure out how to transform him, it is my recommendation that patient gets the hell out of my hospital as soon as possible. From there patient may like to source an instruction manual or, failing that, locate the nearest incinerator and jump in.

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