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Hello, did you miss me? You’ve just finished vacuuming, and look all cosy, sitting there on the couch. Maybe you’re about to relax and watch an episode of Silicon Valley, Curb Your Enthusiasm or something of that ilk. Or maybe you’ll just read a book.

Except you won’t, because you’ve just seen me. Yes, as the sunlight flows across the room, there I am. Revealed in all my glory.

A clump of hair, nice and long and resplendent in my brunette glory, I’m probably from your partner, after all you always say she molts like a labrador. So here I sit, staring at you, the lone clump of hair you failed to suck up.

Well, that’s what I am today, tomorrow I might be a few odd crumbs that you missed, or maybe a bit of dry cheese. And you just know that you’re going to get up and get that vacuum out again, and I’m going to stare at you until you do.

Oh and I’m not on my own because…

HOLLAAA!!! You missed me too baby! All that washing  up and you didn’t see little old me sat here shining away at you did you? I watched as your hands fumbled around in the sink, searching for any other items to wash up ‘afore you pulled that big ‘ol plug out. But baby, I hide. Yes, no matter how much you search, you’ll never find me. And as that water drains away there I am: the last teaspoon in the sink.

Now watcha gonna do? You gonna just rinse me under the sink or are you gonna man up and rewash me? You could just put me in the dishwasher, yeah take the easy way out. It don’t matter none to me, cuz I’ll be back here tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…

But hey now, don’t have me doing all the talking, there’s plenty more of us folks want a chat like my friend here…

Ahem! Hello there sir I have been most pleased to let you know that I am still awaiting recycling. You have gone outside in most unpleasant weather, I know this sir because you were very vocal about it during your walk to the recycle bin. And sir, I know that your feet are now wet and you have removed your socks, but unfortunately, sir, you have forgotten me – a yoghurt pot.

Yes, in the grand scheme of things sir I am inconsequential, but ask yourself this sir. Can you live with yourself knowing that your otherwise pristine kitchen is contaminated with a piece of forgotten refuse? You know the answer is no.

At least today I am only a yogurt pot sir. Try to recall your state of mind when I was THREE yoghurt pots. Also sir, the incident where you had just been to the recycle bin and your lady partner – who leaves hair on your carpet in clumps like some kind of Afghan Hound if I may be so bold sir – finished her 2.5ltr bottle of water and then casually left it on the counter.

Oh sir, the words you used then as you went back outside.

But worry not sir, we are just everyday annoyances, it is just life. I mean, sir, it’s not like we do it on purpose…do we?