Does Roxanne Still Put On Her Red Light?

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Amsterdam, Engineering, France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, Language, Prostitutes, Sex, technology, Translation, Work

I work for a French company, in a factory with lots of modern machinery.

This machinery frequently breaks down, meaning we need to call in engineers.

As many of these machines are foreign made, it follows that the engineers are also foreign.

Part of my job involves me translating what these foreign engineers are saying.

We use English as our common language, and I then translate it for the benefit of my French colleagues.

We had a major problem with one of the machines recently, a machine of Dutch origins, and so we had to call in the engineers from Amsterdam.

A full team of highly trained, specialist engineers with many, many years of experience between them duly arrived.

They spent the first part of their morning preparing their equipment, assessing the problems and setting to work on it, with efficiency and speed.

Their tools were all laid out, gleaming, on the side, they were in constant contact with their boss back in Amsterdam via Skype, and they even had the very latest in Microsoft Virtual Reality headsets, so they could show the problems directly as they repaired them, and their boss could advise them in real time.

They then asked me, following the successful analysis and repair of the machine, if my assembled French colleagues had any questions for them.

I translated this to the group and there was much muttering and discussion, before a consensus was taken.

‘Could you ask them’ began the spokesman for the group ‘If they still have the ladies in the windows in Amsterdam?’.

My job is never boring.

The Cold Never Bothered Me, Anyway…

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France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, Language, Sport, swimming

I decided to go for a swim. The water in our local pool is quite cold.

A (French) man comes swimming up to me and starts chatting, he has a familiar face but I can’t place him.

He talks about it being frigid, but asks me if it’s better now. I say yes, it’s hot outside but the water is cool and refreshing. He swims away with a bemused smile on his face.

I go home. I remember who the man was.

He’s a local small-business owner who sold and installed our new fridge-freezer. He wasn’t talking about the pool, he was asking me how our new ‘frigo’ is and if it’s better than the old one.

One day I hope to speak French perfectly. But today is not that day.

Two Countries. Two Attitudes. The Same Result…

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cultural differences, English, France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, Work

I was chatting to one of my (French) colleagues at work today. He was annoyed because the machine he was working on was playing up, and he had to wait for the engineers to fix it before he could continue. I had the exact same problem.

‘What do you think about it?’ he asked me. I just shrugged my shoulders in response, as if to say ‘These things happen, what can you do?’.

‘Ah!‘ he said ‘That must be the English way, you aren’t bothered about it at all. Me? I’m really annoyed and I’m going to let the boss know how I feel!’

‘That’s one of the differences between our two countries‘ I replied. ‘It’s like when the price of fuel goes up. In England we just shrug our shoulders and accept it, at least the French do something about it – you go out and protest‘.

‘Yes we do go out and protest‘ he replied ‘But you know what? The price still goes up anyway!!‘

I’m Plumbing New Depths…

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Dad Jokes, France, French, funny, Humor, Jokes, Porn, Students, University

A recent study has been conducted in France, predominantly focusing on the viewing habits of 18 – 25 year-olds. The independant French research group Groupe de Soixante Neuf have spent the last 24 months compiling data up and down the country in France’s universities and campuses. Their findings appear to support their initial hypothesis and have just been released to the wider scientific community.

The group have sought to verify a correlation between viewing adult films and teen expectations in day-to-day life. Their findings, while accepted as empirical, have also sent shockwaves through France.

Lead spokesman, Doctor Ivor Biggun, had this to say: ‘As we expected, the long-term effects of viewing pornographic films have had a negative impact on the youth of France’. When asked for more details Dr Biggun replied: ‘The majority of French youths now have unhealthy and unrealistic expectations as to how quickly and easily you can get a plumber to visit your house’.

The Top Ten Questions That French Kids Ask…

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children, English, France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, kids, Language, Learning, Teaching

I teach French kids English. I try to do it in a way that’s fun, but educational. I try to immerse the kids in the culture of England, to transport them there, for however brief a period of time it may be. I show them films that feature lots of intrinsically English things, I play games with them that feature lots of English words, I play songs to them with English lyrics; all in the hope that some words might, just might, slip in and stay there.

I also encourage them to ask questions; where in England am I from? What’s it like over there? What is the weather like? Do we eat similar foods? What are the schools like over there? What do I think of the current situation vis-a-vis the ongoing problems facing the country following Brexit? etc. etc.

I also encourage them to ask questions regarding the language and how to ask questions, directions, what the days of the week are, general conversational matters and so on and so forth.

With that in mind, here are – in no particular order – the top ten questions I get asked:

1. ‘How do you say ‘Bottom’ in English?’
2. ‘How do you say ‘Fart’ in English?’
3. ‘How do you say ‘*INSERT SLANG TERM FOR A PENIS HERE*’ in English?’
4. ‘How do you say ‘Poo’ in English?’
5. ‘How do you say ‘Boobs’ in English?’
6. ‘How do you say ‘Burp’ in English?’
7. ‘How do you say ‘You smell’ in English?’ (this one made me sniff my own armpits)
8. ‘How do you say ‘*INSERT SLANG TERM FOR A VAGINA HERE*’ in English?’
9. ‘How do you say ‘*INSERT ANOTHER PUPIL’S NAME* smells’ in English?’
10. ‘How do you say ‘I don’t want a bath’ in English?’

Well, that’s the problem when you work with kids between the ages of seven and eleven – you might have lofty ambitions about what you want to achieve, but they’ll bring you back down to earth very, very quickly.

One step forward, three steps back….

Tags

France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, Language, Learning

French lady stops me in the street.

Asks me for directions to the cinema.

I explain to her, in French, how you get there.

She replies, in French⁚ “Sorry, I don’t understand what you are saying, I speak French”.

Then she heads off.

In the wrong direction.

French is a fickle, fickle language.

Something Sweet Written In The Dirt (for a change)…

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France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, Jokes, Life, Unicorns

I was just on my way home and walked past the entrance to a local hotel, just as a white van with a builder’s merchant’s signage on the side pulled in. The driver – a well built, mustachioed chap – got out, nodded a greeting to me and commenced punching in the code on the gate to access the hotel’s courtyard.

I continued walking by and, as I drew level with the rear of the van, saw something scrawled there in the accumulated dirt and dust.

‘J’aime les licornes’ the legend on the back of the Ford transit said (‘I like unicorns’.)

I love the French sense of humour.

I’ve Always Wanted To Say That…

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Corona, Covid, France, French, fun, funny, Humor, Learning, school

I said something today that I never thought I ever would. Something that you may have read in books, or heard characters say in films and TV shows. It’s such a tricky sentence to say, because the context has to be just right, or you might just find yourself in trouble.

Well I managed to say it.

I even managed to say it in French too.

I work at a local school and – due to Covid 19 – we’ve had a lot of people that work in local government departments and businesses working with us, due to their workplaces being closed down for health reasons.

I recognised one of these ‘redeployees’ today while I was in the playground. She was stood off to one side watching the kids play, all wrapped up against the cold in her thick coat and scarf (and obligatory mask). Her name’s Stephanie, a lovely lady in her fifties who works locally and who myself and my kids have got to know quite well as we see her frequently – under normal circumstances anyway.

I headed over to her, weaving through masses of running kids as I did so, nodded my head at her and said: ‘Hello Stephanie, I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on’.

Stephanie – a lifeguard at our local swimming pool – saw the funny side and, thankfully, laughed at this.

I say thankfully because Stephanie also teaches self-defence and judo.

The French, As Adorable And As Stubborn As Mules…

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cultural differences, Ex Pat, France, French, funny, Habits, Humor, Life, Tourism, Travel

OK, so that’s a title and a half for a blog post, but bear with me, I’ll explain.

You see one of the things I love about French people is their frequent absolute refusal to do things in what I see as a logical, straightforward manner.

I should add this is just my opinion, and yours may well differ (he said diplomatically).

As an example of this I will tell you a little story from the other year, when I was working in a local travel and tourism office.

We had a village event coming up, a very popular, well attended event that spanned one entire weekend and happened every year. We had all the posters up advertising the event, but were still waiting for the programmes to arrive, with all the times of the various activities that were planned for that weekend.

The most frequent question we were asked – on the phone, and in person – in the days leading up to the event was: ‘Do you have the programme for the event yet?’.

The day finally came and we were informed that we would be receiving the infamous programmes, and so we could give them out to the locals and allow them to see what was in store.

The programmes arrived. They were delivered to another building, 500 meters away.

I offered to go and get them, and the conversation went a little like this:

Me: The programmes are here, down the road, shall I go and get them?

Colleague: Oh no, they are in a box, and the box is heavy, we will have to wait till we can get them delivered. I will contact the mayor.

Me: But people want them, and they’re not far away – I could take the trolley (indicating a small trolley we use to move heavy items around)

Colleague: Oh, but that will take a long time and the box is heavy.

Me: But that’s what the trolley is for.

Colleague: No.

Me: Well how about this? I go down, open the box, and bring up enough leaflets to hand out to people, then at least the ones who have asked for them will be happy.

Colleague: (long pause) (lots of blinking) No. No, the box is heavy. We will contact the mayor.

The programmes did finally arrive in our office.

Several days later.

My Son Is Taking The Piss Out Of Me…

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cleaning, Confinement, funny, Humor, kids, Life, Lockdown, Painting, Parenting

I’ve just repainted the bathroom floor downstairs, I know we are only two days into lockdown MK2, but I just can’t stop myself from painting things. Basically if it stays still for more than five minutes, it’s getting painted.

Thank god we don’t own a dog.

So the floor’s been painted, my son comes ambling up to me and asks me if he can use it. I check it out, it’s OK, but still a bit wet at the sides of the toilet.

I tell him he can use the bathroom, but to be careful of the aforementioned sides.

‘Oh you can trust me’ he replies ‘I don’t go on the sides of the toilet, I just pee on them’.

So, in case anyone is wondering why I repainted the floor, there’s your answer…