Wanted: Bald Dog.

Tags

animals, children, cleaning, dogs, France, French, funny, games, Humor, kids, musings, pets, stay-at-home Dad

 

‘Can we have a dog? can we have a dog? can we have a dog? can we have a dog? can we have a dog?’ is what I hear in my memory when I think back to my childhood. Yes, I really, really wanted a dog. One that would sleep at the foot of my bed, curled up snoring away, and then waking me up with a slobbery lick of its tongue in the morning.

Now? I want a dog. A bald one.

We’ve spent the day at the French father-in-law’s. It’s miserable and wet* and so we have spent the majority (read: all) of our time indoors. They have a dog. Its hair is everywhere. We (read: his mum) bought my son a new dressing gown, it’s black and white and has the Star Wars logo splashed all over it. At least it did. Now it’s pretty much white all over.

Plus I think it now constitutes a fire-hazard.

This is due to the lovely, cuddly, hairy dog-in-residence – Fleur. She’s a beautiful Labrador,  huge soulful eyes, friendly demeanor. Complete lack of control of her follicles.

The dressing gown I can cope with, and the slippers, and the coats, and the jumpers, and and and…

But due to the confined nature of our visit the kids have pulled out all the toys – who can blame them? – to occupy themselves with. My daughter has a lot of fun with this, another pet-hate (no pun intended) of mine:

Yes, it’s a Play-doh activity set, specifically designed to allow kids to have minutes of fun creating items that vaguely resemble burgers, chips, biscuits etc. etc.

It also enables parents to enjoy hours of free cardio-vascular exercise, as they struggle to get the stuff out of carpets, hair, clothes, teeth, toenails etc. etc. When we first moved into our new home in France I made a mistake, I left my daughter alone with some Play-doh for a period of time in excess of 90 seconds.

I’m still finding bits of the stuff around the house to this day…

I love the smell of Play-doh, takes me right back to when I was six. I also hate Play-doh.

But here’s the real cherry on the cake, pictures which despite none of the materials being edible still turned my stomach. So of course I had to share them with you (read: no I didn’t).

Can you see those whispy bits sticking out of the machine? Do you now know why I felt so sick when the tub of ‘spaghetti’ was being shoved in my face? I told you the dog’s hair got everywhere didn’t I? Bleurgh.

I’m particularly proud of this next photo:

I should enter it for the Turner prize, I can call it ‘Spoiled childhood’ or ‘Hair of the dog’ or simply ‘It’s not real – honest!’. It does look real though, doesn’t it? My kids have done what all kids do with Play-doh (is that how you spell it? can’t be bothered to Google it) whereby they get several pots, all the colours of the rainbow, and then they just turn it into a brown mush.

A brown mush that is now infested, infested with white dog hairs.

You see now why I want a bald dog?

But it’s ok, turns out they want a cat.

Cats are fine.

They just make me nearly die from having a near fatal asthmatic reaction to them. Hmmm, dog hairs or asthma..choices, choices…

*I’m thinking of asking for a refund, I knew it wouldn’t be the Tropics when I moved over here to France, but if this weather keeps up I’m in danger of evolving/mutating gills. Hey, but then I can have lots of watery adventures, and maybe hook up with Jeanne Tripplehorn, just like Kevin Costner did in Waterworld (nah, if I evolve I know/hope I’ll just develop my own vacuum cleaner-like appendage).

I’ve seen some scary stuff in my time…

Tags

children, fun, funny, growing up, Humor, musings, teeth

 

I’ve seen hours and hours of horror films.

 

I’ve seen limbs lopped off, heads caved in, blood coming out of every orifice.

 

I’ve watched Hellraiser 1, 2, 3 and – for my sins – 4.

 

I’ve watched Freddy Krueger stalk his victims in their dreams.

 

I’ve watched Leatherface chase down his prey with his trademark-chainsaw.

 

I’ve seen ghostface chat up and then cut up babysitters, jocks and even head-teachers in his seemingly endless spree.

 

I’ve watched no end of Japanese horrors.

 

I’ve lost count of the amount of long-haired girls that have crawled out of wells, TV sets, showers and even, creepiest of all, the back of one victim’s head.

 

I’ve Let The Right One In, I’ve been unable to reverse Irreversible, I’ve gone to Calvaire, I’ve seen what it is to be a martyr in Martyrs, I’ve had a front seat view in REC, I’ve gotten lost in the woods in The Blair Witch Project (the original, I might add)….the list is seemingly endless.

 

And yet not one of these has disturbed me as much as the brushing of my son’s teeth today.

 

He’s just lost his first tooth, bottom centre.

 

Man, that gap gives me the creeps…..

Interesting Conversations With My Son…

Tags

children, funny, growing up, Humor, kids, musings, Parenting

 

 

 

I enter the kids’ play room to see my (recently turned) six-year-old son with his underpants and trousers around his ankles:

 

Me: ‘What are you doing?’

 

 

My Son: ‘I’m just checking my willy because it’s longer now because I’m six now and it will be getting bigger so I’m just checking that it’s bigger’

 

 

Me: ‘……….oh alright then but could you put it away now, and next time can you check that after your sister has finished her breakfast?….and when she’s not sat right next to you….?’

 

 

 

We are driving around the local city admiring the Christmas lights up in local houses, we head further afield and see some really crazy displays. The kids love it and we end up near where I used to live many years ago, I tell the kids this as we pull up outside my old home. As we head off my son starts talking about my history of habitation:

 

My Son: ‘Did you live there before you lived with me and Mamou?’

 

 

Me: ‘Eh?’

 

 

My Son: ‘Before you lived with me and Mamou did you live there?’

 

 

Me: ‘I lived with Mamou son, then you came along and then your sister’.

 

 

My Son: ‘No, no, I lived with Mamou, then you came to live with us, and then my sister came to live with us’

 

 

Me: ‘I’m not going to argue with you son, but there’s a pretty glaring flaw in your logic there buddy…..’

 

 

We are sat at home, next to the twinkling Christmas tree, there’s a nativity scene depicting Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus next to the fireplace. We are planning a move to France soon and, obviously putting these two elements together, my son comes out with this beauty:

 

 

My Son: ‘Will we pay taxes in France?’

 

 

Mamou: ‘What?’

 

 

My Son: ‘Will we pay taxes in France?’

 

 

Mamou: ‘Of course we will, why do you ask?’

 

 

My Son: ‘Well it’s just that Mary and Joseph had to pay taxes so I just wanted to know if we will have to pay taxes too’

 

 

 

Yes, only six years old and yet already aware of one of life’s harshest realities: taxes are one of the only two certainties in this life. The longer I can keep him ignorant of the other one, the better I’ll like it.

The Internal Struggle Of A Six-Year-Old Boy, As Depicted By A Charity-Shop Triceratops

Tags

children, food, funny, Humor, kids, musings, Parenting, toilet

I saw this in a charity shop the other day whilst out brunching* with my daughter:

 

 

Every boy loves dinosaurs, don’t they? The scariness of them, the viciousness, the simplicity of their existence (eat, sleep, reproduce, terrorise Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas-Howard). Show me a young boy without a dinosaur in his collection and I’ll eat my hat.

 

 

What immediately struck me that this toy dinosaur though – aside from the cheap price and bizarre pale make-up of its face – was that it perfectly encapsulates an all-too-common occurrence in our household.

 

 

Note the crossed legs – I don’t believe any toy dinosaur ever represented, so accurately, the internal struggle between my six-year-old boy’s need to go for a wee and his desire to play just one more level on Super Mario 3D World.

 

 

Has anyone in the history of parenting ever asked their child if they needed a wee, and actually gotten the response ‘yes’?

 

 

Every time I ask my dancing, jiggling, shuffling, legs-crossed son if he needs a wee he says, emphatically, ‘no’. He then stops dancing, jiggling and shuffling, and un-crosses his legs.

 

 

For at least ten seconds.

 

 

It seems to me that, right up until their bladder is fit to explode, six-year-old boys NEVER need to wee.

 

 

Then they do and it sounds like someone’s pointed a jet-wash at my toilet and pressed the trigger. Oh to have a young prostate again….

 

 

I must say he is dedicated to his gaming/crafts/whatever else he may be doing while he so clearly needs the toilet. I have timed him doing his little ‘I don’t need a wee. oh yes I do’ dances for up to 30 minutes.

 

 

That must be excruciatingly painful, or maybe at 6 we don’t yet have the receptors ‘down there’ that make these matters that urgent.

 

 

I was once stuck on a train, with no toilet facilities, in London for 2o minutes, with a full bladder. At the end of those twenty minutes I would have happily given all my worldly possessions for a toilet to empty my bladder. Or even a dark alley. Hell, an empty bottle of Evian would have been a godsend.

 

 

So how he can do it for such long periods of time is beyond me.

 

 

Maybe it’s the dancing, jiggling, shuffling and crossing of the legs…maybe that’s the trick to prolong the pain. I will try that next week when I feel the urge.

 

 

Not sure my co-workers will approve though…

 

 

Oh, he also tends to grab his crotch, towards the end of his dance, like this man used to:

 

 

Now I know my co-workers really won’t like that…

 

 

I’m going to do it anyway.

 

 

*Brunching, for the uninitiated, is a meal eaten at around 11-a.m and is between breakfast and lunch – hence, ‘brunch’. It sounds posh but it’s really just me and my daughter eating sausages, beans and toast. Well, I do most of the eating, she tends to wreck the place.

 

 

My Partner Does Strange Things To Cuddly Toys, And Puts Mushrooms In Odd Places…

Tags

children, food, fun, funny, Humor, musings, Parenting, stay-at-home Dad

My son loves his cuddly toys, to an almost scary degree. He looks after them, makes them beds, creates costumes for them, and just generally anthropomorphizes* the hell out of them. His latest two acquisitions are a small bear – who’s called ‘Pinky’ – and a dolphin, that he’s dubbed ‘Sniffy’. It’s cold in the UK at the moment  (not the usual year-round-cold, it’s the December cold-in-your-bones kind of cold) so he decided that Pinky and Sniffy needed clothes.

He’s outsourced this to his mummy, my partner, as she’s a dab hand at most things craft-related. And she’s not missed a step with these two either but, and disagree with me if you will, I can’t help thinking they’re a bit sinister.

Prepare to make your own minds up, ladies and gentlemen, as I present to you:

BANK ROBBER BEAR

‘GIVE ME THE MONEY!!!’ Its beady little eyes now seem to say. What was once a cute and unassuming bear is now filled with menace and the need to get as much money as possible, and make a swift getaway. ‘WE’RE NOT HERE FOR YOUR MONEY WE WANT THE BANK’S MONEY’ look at him, all he needs is a gun and he’s Robert DeNiro in Heat. It only took the merciless carving up of a poor innocent spare sock (we’ve got thousands of them) to turn this once peaceful bear into a potential one-bear-crimewave.

I don’t like the way he looks at me any more either…look at that odd tilt he’s got to his head, like he’s weighing me up. He didn’t have that tilt before I’m sure. I think he’s deciding whether to shoot me, or just knock me out, to make an example of me to the rest of the household.

Also note his right paw, the way it seems to be reaching behind him….I don’t want to know what for….

But if you thought that was bad you should see…

BURKINI DOLPHIN

Alright, alright, you might argue that me bandying around the phrase ‘Burkini’ with regards to a cuddly dolphin could be seen as politically incorrect. I don’t care. Look at it – what else would you call it? Quite why a dolphin would wear a Burkini is wayyyyyy beyond me. Aren’t their sex organs on their rears? So just a small cap would suffice (I could be wrong here, I haven’t looked up dolphin sexual organs since……actually I have never looked up dolphin sexual organs**).

I must admit that when it comes to clothing this dolphin the form certainly dictates what shape the end product is going to be, but the colour reinforces my perception of it. Why couldn’t we have had a bright yellow outfit, maybe with a splash of red? Then I wouldn’t have looked at the dolphin’s outfit in this way. Or pink, pink would have been lovely…

I must say, as my partner is French – and we all know their views on Burkinis – I was quite surprised when this was the result of her busy-beavering with the scissors.

Still, it could have been worse, at least she didn’t make the dolphin look like the getaway driver for bank-robber-bear.

And what did she do next? Why she stored the mushrooms in the pot-pourri bowl in our house…..

See we’ve recently bought a new fridge freezer, due to our old one joining the white-goods death-cult that has overtaken our household in recent weeks. It’s like they’ve all heard I’ve got a job and have decided to top themselves.

So far the death-list includes: Washing machine (the first to die), fridge-freezer, Television*** and the vacuum is effectively on life-support, it’s held together by selotape – that’s not a joke, when I get a minute I’ll upload a photo of the poor little mite.

Well obviously these are things we can’t live without so they had to be replaced, but the fridge freezer, as it turns out, ended up being smaller than our old one. Hilariously so, to the degree that we began to compare it to a doll’s house accessory.

So why are the mushrooms on top of the pot-pourri? Because they wouldn’t fit in our new, snack-size, fridge-freezer, so logically they were placed in the coldest place in the kitchen. This, according to my partner, was on top of the pot-pourri bowl.

The spaghetti bolognaise, with mushrooms, that we consumed the next night had distinct hints of sage, garlic….and also the scents of cedar, jujube and rose…a memorable feast.

*oooh look at me and my big words

** I haven’t and will deny I have if you say I have

*** Funny story, well I think it’s funny anyway. I replaced the TV as it had started slowly dying, taking ages to power on etc. So I bought a 43 inch LED TV, that turned out to be faulty, so I returned it. Then when I got the new one I noticed 43 inch 4K tvs weren’t much more expensive, so I bought a 43 inch one of those. THEN I noticed that the price difference between the 43 inch 4K tvs and the 49 inch 4K tvs wasn’t that great so I upgraded it. I have kept the old TV as I believe it will still work, further down the line. But the remote control is missing. I now believe that it is stuck inside one of my numerous returned TV boxes in a warehouse somewhere in the UK. Oh and yes, my partner did go mental at me for swapping TVs four times.

Learning To Ride A Bike…

Tags

children, kids, love, musings, outdoors, Parenting, park

I remember when I learned to ride a bike.

 

I was on my own.

 

No mum, no dad.

 

Just me, wheeling round my local estate.

 

Freewheeling, and then it just…’clicked’.

 

I was filled up with joy, elated.

 

I wanted to share it with someone.

 

But I was alone.

 

I never wanted this to happen to you though, son.

 

We’ve done it together, me and you.

 

In the park, on a bright sunny day.

 

Mummy and your sister are watching, over near the swings.

 

You are so happy,  a huge smile spread across your face.

 

You’ve got it, it’s ‘clicked’ for you, like it did for me.

 

But you’re not alone.

 

We’ll remember this day for years to come.

 

And we’ll always be together.

I’m Half The Stay-At-Home Dad That I Used To Be…

Tags

children, Humor, kids, musings, Parenting, stay-at-home Dad

 

 

I was playing it loose I was playing it fast, chilling with the kids and having a blast.

 

Then one day from out of the blue I get a call from a lady ‘I’ve got a job for you!’

 

‘A job for me?’ that can’t be right, ‘oh yes’ she said, and I got a fright.

 

See I’ve been staying at home for two years now, playing with the kids and preparing their chow.

 

Can I jump back in to that big adult sea? Will I sink or swim easily?

 

So now the real world beckons and knocks at my door,  I knew it was a call I couldn’t ignore.

 

The hours sounded good,  the job prospects too, I decided to take a risk and said ‘Yes Please, oh and Thank You’

 

So here I am, two days out of five, working with adults, and my brain’s come alive.

 

They talk about drinking, they talk about fun, I don’t have to feed them, and I don’t wipe their bum (s).

 

It’s early days yet, but the outlook is bright, I do miss my kids but I think that’s alright.

 

The hours apart are good for them, and for me, and when I see them after work my heart jumps with glee.

 

So here I am, half the stay-at-home dad that I used to be, but don’t feel bad, because now I’ve got money to spend on goodies… for me!

 

 

 

 

You’ve Got An Amazing Memory Son…

Tags

children, funny, Humor, kids, love, musings, Parenting

 

 

 

You can remember it all son, so crystal clear.

 

That day three year’s ago when we went to the pier.

 

Or the time when you fell over, as we walked round the pond.

 

You don’t like that walk anymore but of the ducks you’re still fond.

 

Or how about the birthday party, when you were one?

 

You remember it all, the music, the games and the fun.

 

Even watching daddy play his games, when you were months old.

 

For me the memory has faded, for you it’s still bold.

 

You tell me daily, of gems from our past.

 

Though I may forget them, you make them last.

 

So why is it, I ask myself, on a daily basis.

 

That you remember so many things, with nary a detail amiss.

 

Yet when we set off to school, you look oh-so neat.

 

But 9 times out of ten, your shoes are on the wrong feet!

 

Alternative Forms Of Child Punishment In The Land Of The Rising Sun

Tags

children, funny, Humor, musings, outdoors, Parenting

 

I can’t believe all the bad press that Japanese dad is getting, he’s a trailblazer in my eyes.

 

He punished his kid by leaving him in a bear-infested forest, to teach him a lesson.

 

I mean, come on fellow parents, who HASN’T thought about leaving their kids in a bear-infested forest for a few days as a punishment?

 

You mark my words, this time next year everyone will be putting their kids in bear-infested forests for up to a week.

 

Wow….a week of peace with only a 85% chance of your kid (s) being eaten by a bear…good odds say I.

Top 10 Things My Daughter Trips Over*

Tags

children, funny, Humor, kids, musings, Parenting, stay-at-home Dad

 

1. Herself

 

2. A blade of grass

 

3. Air

 

4. Moths

 

5. A piece of paper

 

6. Her brother

 

7. Lego

 

8. Spider-webs

 

9.The invisible man

 

10. Ants

 

(* Jesting for the majority but seriously, she spends more time on her front or back than she does upright!)