Does Roxanne Still Put On Her Red Light?

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Amsterdam, Engineering, France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, Language, Prostitutes, Sex, technology, Translation, Work

I work for a French company, in a factory with lots of modern machinery.

This machinery frequently breaks down, meaning we need to call in engineers.

As many of these machines are foreign made, it follows that the engineers are also foreign.

Part of my job involves me translating what these foreign engineers are saying.

We use English as our common language, and I then translate it for the benefit of my French colleagues.

We had a major problem with one of the machines recently, a machine of Dutch origins, and so we had to call in the engineers from Amsterdam.

A full team of highly trained, specialist engineers with many, many years of experience between them duly arrived.

They spent the first part of their morning preparing their equipment, assessing the problems and setting to work on it, with efficiency and speed.

Their tools were all laid out, gleaming, on the side, they were in constant contact with their boss back in Amsterdam via Skype, and they even had the very latest in Microsoft Virtual Reality headsets, so they could show the problems directly as they repaired them, and their boss could advise them in real time.

They then asked me, following the successful analysis and repair of the machine, if my assembled French colleagues had any questions for them.

I translated this to the group and there was much muttering and discussion, before a consensus was taken.

‘Could you ask them’ began the spokesman for the group ‘If they still have the ladies in the windows in Amsterdam?’.

My job is never boring.

The Cold Never Bothered Me, Anyway…

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France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, Language, Sport, swimming

I decided to go for a swim. The water in our local pool is quite cold.

A (French) man comes swimming up to me and starts chatting, he has a familiar face but I can’t place him.

He talks about it being frigid, but asks me if it’s better now. I say yes, it’s hot outside but the water is cool and refreshing. He swims away with a bemused smile on his face.

I go home. I remember who the man was.

He’s a local small-business owner who sold and installed our new fridge-freezer. He wasn’t talking about the pool, he was asking me how our new ‘frigo’ is and if it’s better than the old one.

One day I hope to speak French perfectly. But today is not that day.

A Ecological Lawnmower…

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Ecological, Ecology, Environment, France, French, fun, funny, Humour

This is a photo of one of the Highland Scottish cows that we have grazing in the fields of my town.

We use them as ecological ‘lawnmowers’ and Scottish cows were specifically chosen to honour the fact that we are twinned with Haddington in Scotland.

Here we can see Hamish McLazybastard (not actual name) enjoying a relaxed Wednesday morning.

Two Countries. Two Attitudes. The Same Result…

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cultural differences, English, France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, Work

I was chatting to one of my (French) colleagues at work today. He was annoyed because the machine he was working on was playing up, and he had to wait for the engineers to fix it before he could continue. I had the exact same problem.

‘What do you think about it?’ he asked me. I just shrugged my shoulders in response, as if to say ‘These things happen, what can you do?’.

‘Ah!‘ he said ‘That must be the English way, you aren’t bothered about it at all. Me? I’m really annoyed and I’m going to let the boss know how I feel!’

‘That’s one of the differences between our two countries‘ I replied. ‘It’s like when the price of fuel goes up. In England we just shrug our shoulders and accept it, at least the French do something about it – you go out and protest‘.

‘Yes we do go out and protest‘ he replied ‘But you know what? The price still goes up anyway!!‘

I’m Plumbing New Depths…

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Dad Jokes, France, French, funny, Humor, Jokes, Porn, Students, University

A recent study has been conducted in France, predominantly focusing on the viewing habits of 18 – 25 year-olds. The independant French research group Groupe de Soixante Neuf have spent the last 24 months compiling data up and down the country in France’s universities and campuses. Their findings appear to support their initial hypothesis and have just been released to the wider scientific community.

The group have sought to verify a correlation between viewing adult films and teen expectations in day-to-day life. Their findings, while accepted as empirical, have also sent shockwaves through France.

Lead spokesman, Doctor Ivor Biggun, had this to say: ‘As we expected, the long-term effects of viewing pornographic films have had a negative impact on the youth of France’. When asked for more details Dr Biggun replied: ‘The majority of French youths now have unhealthy and unrealistic expectations as to how quickly and easily you can get a plumber to visit your house’.

The Top Ten Questions That French Kids Ask…

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children, English, France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, kids, Language, Learning, Teaching

I teach French kids English. I try to do it in a way that’s fun, but educational. I try to immerse the kids in the culture of England, to transport them there, for however brief a period of time it may be. I show them films that feature lots of intrinsically English things, I play games with them that feature lots of English words, I play songs to them with English lyrics; all in the hope that some words might, just might, slip in and stay there.

I also encourage them to ask questions; where in England am I from? What’s it like over there? What is the weather like? Do we eat similar foods? What are the schools like over there? What do I think of the current situation vis-a-vis the ongoing problems facing the country following Brexit? etc. etc.

I also encourage them to ask questions regarding the language and how to ask questions, directions, what the days of the week are, general conversational matters and so on and so forth.

With that in mind, here are – in no particular order – the top ten questions I get asked:

1. ‘How do you say ‘Bottom’ in English?’
2. ‘How do you say ‘Fart’ in English?’
3. ‘How do you say ‘*INSERT SLANG TERM FOR A PENIS HERE*’ in English?’
4. ‘How do you say ‘Poo’ in English?’
5. ‘How do you say ‘Boobs’ in English?’
6. ‘How do you say ‘Burp’ in English?’
7. ‘How do you say ‘You smell’ in English?’ (this one made me sniff my own armpits)
8. ‘How do you say ‘*INSERT SLANG TERM FOR A VAGINA HERE*’ in English?’
9. ‘How do you say ‘*INSERT ANOTHER PUPIL’S NAME* smells’ in English?’
10. ‘How do you say ‘I don’t want a bath’ in English?’

Well, that’s the problem when you work with kids between the ages of seven and eleven – you might have lofty ambitions about what you want to achieve, but they’ll bring you back down to earth very, very quickly.

One step forward, three steps back….

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France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, Language, Learning

French lady stops me in the street.

Asks me for directions to the cinema.

I explain to her, in French, how you get there.

She replies, in French⁚ “Sorry, I don’t understand what you are saying, I speak French”.

Then she heads off.

In the wrong direction.

French is a fickle, fickle language.

A Bridge Between Worlds….?

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France, French, Health, kids, Language, Learning, Norway, Norwegian, Tourism

I’m currently working in a campsite here in a very, very hot and sunny France.

Today I had the pleasure of helping out a young Norwegian family.

They came in, looking very flustered, telling me that they needed to to see a doctor, as their eldest daughter – who was the grand old age of two – had a rash that was spreading, and they wanted to take action before it got any worse. I ran a search on the internet, printed out a list of local doctors, and gave them all the relevant info.

“Ah….. yes…..” the mother of the family said, looking at me with despair in her eyes: “But although we speak English – we don’t speak any French”.

Oh. Dear.

Luckily for them however, I’ve been living here a while, so I thought I might be up to the task. Nothing ventured nothing gained, eh?

I rang up the doctor. He answered. He clearly wasn’t a natural-born Francophone.

So here we were. A Norwegian family who didn’t speak French. An Englishman who didn’t speak French well. And a doctor from parts unknown.

Thankfully it all worked out and they managed to get an appointment for just a couple of hours later.

They will let me know if everything is ok with their little one as soon as they can.

Me? I’m just happy that my language skills are better than I expected. Or maybe it’s one of those extreme pressure-type situations, where your brain works at a higher rate than normal.

Now if I could only figure out how to make it work like that all the time…..

You Never Know Who’s Listening…

Tags

French, funny, Humour, Language, Learning, Swearing

I went in to work today at the office. A couple of my French colleagues were there, one of them was watching something on his PC, I couldn’t see exactly what it was, but it seemed to be a news programme as there was a lot of chatter from various people. The other colleague asked me how I was and – using a French phrase she has helped me to learn – I said I was fine apart from ‘the shit weather’. She corrected my French as I’d made a slight error.

It was at this point that the ‘programme’ that my colleague was watching piped up with: ‘The weather is shit?’.

My other colleague wasn’t watching a news programme, he was on a conference call via Skype.

Thankfully they all saw the funny side.

Then he put the microphone on silent.

Something Sweet Written In The Dirt (for a change)…

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France, French, funny, Humor, Humour, Jokes, Life, Unicorns

I was just on my way home and walked past the entrance to a local hotel, just as a white van with a builder’s merchant’s signage on the side pulled in. The driver – a well built, mustachioed chap – got out, nodded a greeting to me and commenced punching in the code on the gate to access the hotel’s courtyard.

I continued walking by and, as I drew level with the rear of the van, saw something scrawled there in the accumulated dirt and dust.

‘J’aime les licornes’ the legend on the back of the Ford transit said (‘I like unicorns’.)

I love the French sense of humour.