I don’t know why I started doing this, but they’re laughing their heads off and it would be a shame to stop now.
We’re at the local park, the one with two swings, a bench and nothing else. This is the lesser of two parks in my village, the other one has climbing frames, slides, carousels…you name it, the other park has it. There’s clearly a disparity in the allocation of fun, maybe there were some midnight-thefts, or maybe someone with an eye on having the best park slept with the right person to ensure their park came out on top. I don’t know, but that’s the way it is.
We don’t mind though. The swings are ideal, one is for bigger kids – my son – and the other is designed for toddlers – my daughter. It’s great as I can push them at the same time, they have fun and I can see how far I can swing them before they start doing that ominous wobbling thing that all swings do, when they are reaching dangerous altitudes.
As I swing them I just happen to say, in a strong Austrian accent ‘I am the Swinginator’.
My lad loves this and immediately starts laughing, as does his sister. ‘Again daddy, again’ He cries. I oblige with ‘My mission is…to swing you’. They laugh and clearly want more, but I really can’t think of any more swing-related phrases and so lapse into actual lines from The Terminator franchise to appease them. This really gets them laughing.
‘Skynet becomes self-aware, and launches nuclear missiles at targets in Russia, knowing that the counter strike will take out its targets here in America’ more laughter follows.
‘The man most directly responsible for Skynet’s creation is Miles Bennet Dyson’ both kids are red in the face with glee.
‘Mimetic Polyalloy, whatever it touches it becomes…it cannot form items that contain complex moving parts,but it can form knives and stabbing weapons’ I start to worry that my son will wet himself, he’s laughing that hard.
As I’m pushing them, trying to think up more Schwarzenegger pearls, I wonder why I started coming out with this robot-themed narration.
I watched Terminator Genisys at the weekend, so that must be it.
I didn’t understand it.
There were robots coming from the future, the past and the possible-future. Arnold was in it, but he was old.
Also someone sent Arnold back to before all the other Terminator films, but nobody explained that part.
And the Golden Gate Bridge had an action scene on it, in what must now be a pre-requisite of action films.
Back to the swings and the kids are still in gales of laughter, but I’m running on empty with Terminator-talk.
I know, let’s switch to that other kiddie-favourite: Darth Vader.
‘You are part of a rebel-alliance, and you will give me the information I need’ I say, channelling James Earl Jones so well it’s scary. The kids crack up.
‘I changed our deal, pray I do not change it further’ and ‘Obi Wan has taught you well’ are both met with similar levels of amusement.
At this point my son decides to lift up his feet and squat on his swing, he looks a bit precarious to me. ‘I’m doing it like Spiderman daddy’ he says ‘Are you safe?’ I ask him. This makes me consider doing a Laurence Olivier ‘Is it safe?’ impersonation from Marathon Man.
I decide against it though, and we leave the park having exhausted our inappropriate banter.
Well, for today at least.