Lost In Translation…?

Tags

books, English, France, French, funny, Humor, languages, Learning, Linguistics, Sayings

‘Why are those two people going at it in that casserole dish’ I say to my partner, showing her an illustration of said people going at it in a book. ‘It says ‘passer a la casserole’ and there’s all arms and legs being flung about in a big casserole dish’. ‘Ahhh’ says my partner, drawing on her 30-odd years* of being an actual French person ‘It means ‘the one who is guilty”. I look at her then at the image. ‘Oh’ I say ‘That’s not what the group said tonight’.

Dial it back half-an-hour and I’m sat in the middle of my French/English group, leafing through a book called Ciel Mon Mari’ which translated into English is Sky My Husband it’s a book that Isabelle the chemist has agreed to loan me and is full of literal – very, very literal – translations of English and French sayings.

The French use this book as  way of learning the English language. It’s been in Isabelle’s family since she was little, and she’s dug it out of her parent’s attic to bring it to show the group, as well as to confuse the English guy.

It works.

It’s not until I get to page 27 that one of them actually makes any sense.

‘They are very, very literal’ chimes in Christine, noticing my furrowed brow.

‘Yes’ I say.

‘And they don’t all work’ she adds.

I nod my head in agreement. No, they don’t all work.

I see one that is meant to be the representation of the English saying ‘Raining cats and dogs’. That saying means heavy rain – I know, because I’m English, but just to be doubly sure I’ve Googled it. It doesn’t mean that you go out with an umbrella, and if the weather is particularly bad, cats and dogs climb on your umbrella and urinate on you.

I notice one with some frankly odd activity on it, and show it to the whole group. ‘Why are those two people going at it in that casserole dish’ I say to them ”It says ‘passer a la casserole’ and there’s all arms and legs being flung about in a big casserole dish’.

The group draws on its 300-odd years of being actual French people to inform me that it means to lose one’s virginity. They say this while laughing.

Or maybe cackling is a more apt description.

I look at Christine, as I put two and two together.

‘So does that mean that the casserole is…..and you put the sausage in the casserole…?’

She doesn’t say anything, just sits there nodding her head and laughing along with the rest of the group at the look on my face.

The missus isn’t sure she believes this group and is going to ask her mum for clarification.

I’d love to be a fly on the wall during that conversation.

 

*Ages have been changed to protect the innocent**

**Me***

***The term ‘innocent’ is here used in its loosest possible sense

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Strange Food Contest…

Tags

cultural differences, Culture, England, English, food, France, French, funny, Humor, uk

 

We were sat outside in the fading light, enjoying a delicious meal at a local restaurant. I was busy shovelling a fruits de mer pizza into my mouth.

As another tentacle disappeared into my gob, my French friend commented on the contents of my meal: ‘English people eat some strange things’.

I looked at him, the setting sun glinting off my dark brown eyes.

I made the universal sound for a horse.

I made the universal sound for a frog.

I couldn’t make the universal sound for a snail as I’d forgotten about that one. Plus they aren’t very noisy.

Ha! I thought to myself, let’s see what my French pal comes back with now.

‘You know’ a voice piped up from my right ‘They eat crisp sandwiches in the UK’.

I looked at the owner of the voice, it was none other than the mother of my children, the light of my life, my moon and stars. Et tu Brute?

She then went on to describe, at length, how one makes a crisp sandwich, to the astonishment of my friend.

He looked at me aghast, asking with his eyes is this was true.

I held his gaze and said ‘The bread’s got to be white’, his mouth already yawning open, now stretched even further, coming within touching distance of the table.

‘And my favourite flavour is salt and vinegar*’ I added, without batting an eyelid.

I may have just lost a French friend.

 

*Actually it’s a toss-up between Seabrook’s Salt and Vinegar or Pickled Onion Flavour Monster Munch, but I think there are things that some people’s minds just can’t cope with.

Back To Night School…

Tags

English, France, French, funny, Humor, Language, Learning, Travel

 

Well after a brief (two months!) break for a variety of reasons including; partners working away in Paris (mine), expensive cruises (theirs), and Easter holidays (everybody’s) the English/French group was back last night.

For anyone who has forgotten (I wouldn’t blame you) this is the weekly group I attend where I speak French to a group of retirees, and they speak English to me – and we correct each other. Last night’s meeting revolved around another presentation by Christian, the retired something-or-other (I think he has told me, but I’ve forgotten, so I just imagine he used to be a lumberjack).

He was quite keen to show us a cruise around the Canary Islands, until we pointed out that he’d already showed us that a couple of months back. He seemed to disagree with this – even when I told him the name of the cruise ship he sailed on.

I think he just likes the Canary Islands.

So after he grudgingly accepted that we’d already seen it and – thanks but no thanks –  didn’t want a repeat, he treated us to a PowerPoint presentation covering his trip to China in 2001.

Christian  had travelled (by bus this time, cruise ships tend to struggle inland in China) through the country with five of his friends. I couldn’t work out who his wife was, and didn’t want to question the group…’dynamics’ for fear of causing offence, but they all seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Well, except for a dark haired lady who resolutely refused to smile – but there’s always one, isn’t there?

I pointed out the fact that some of the fashions appeared to be from 1991, as opposed to 2001 – and this seemed to greatly confuse the other members of the group, as they went off on a tangent about something else. I used the universal mime-symbol for massive shoulder pads, but they didn’t get that either.

It was a bit of an eye-opener to someone who has never been to China (me) seeing vast parts of the country that have remained relatively unchanged, for centuries. Using traditional methods that their forebears employed.

These traditional methods even extended to the bus that Christian and his chums were travelling on, as it had to navigate a slight ‘step’ in the road. To overcome this the bus driver used the traditional Chinese method of forcing the occupants off the bus to gather stones to create a ‘ramp’ for each wheel of the bus, so that it could pass over this hump. Then he employed the traditional Chinese method of making the travellers push it too.

I double-checked this with Christian – twice – and he said it did actually happen.

And you thought travelling on a bus in the UK was bad?

Christian also informed me that the Chinese – at this point in time – had still not seen many Europeans, so he and his friends were something of a novelty and they had lots of photos taken of them, with the locals, by the locals. I suggested that he should have charged 10 pounds for a photo, and 15 pounds for them to stroke his head. He responded – very seriously – that it was a win-win situation as they got to take photographs with the Chinese as well.

One of these weeks I am going to have the group discuss British humour – with an emphasis on sarcasm.

Littered here and there, as a subtitle on the photographs, was the term ‘long noses’. Apparently – and I’m just passing this on – this is the term the Chinese use to refer to Europeans. As I said, these photographs were taken in 2001, so they may not use this term any more. It was a new one on me anyway.

The odd spelling mistake cropped up throughout the presentation, I corrected most of them for him (not too many though, don’t want to annoy a possible-ex-lumberjack), with the most interesting one being where Christian had referred to a small street as ‘smalls street’. I explained to them – after correcting it – that ‘smalls’ in English referred to underwear. They told me the name for underwear for ladies (culottes) – which I knew, and men’s underwear, which I did not. For men in France underpants are referred to as a ‘slip’, which, I told them, was an exclusively female term in the UK, referring to a – and I struggled here with my explanation – somewhat sexy, sheer undergarment.

They immediately knew what I meant, and gave me lots of additional details.

The saucy devils.

The funniest correction of the night for me – and for the rest of the group too I’d say judging by the laughter – was learning that I had been calling my French teachers by the wrong name for the last few months*. I had been referring to them as ‘maîtresse’ when I should actually have been calling them ‘professeur’. Maîtresse is fine if you are a pupil, or you are referring to a pupil’s female teacher at a primary school in France. If you are an adult calling your teacher that at college, you are effectively calling them your mistress.

So that explains why my ‘professeurs’ kept laughing at me when I said this.

I’ve got three of them though, all ladies.

Not one of them has corrected me…

 

 

*Yes I also go to a French class twice a week,  for two hours at a time. What can I say? I obviously like having a near-permanent headache. I love this language and all its crazy ways.

English vs French Proverbs…

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English, France, French, funny, Humor, Language, Learning, Proverbs

‘What is a feather? what is ‘flock’?’ we focused on proverbs at last night’s English/French club meeting, and there was quite a bit that was lost in translation.

The best approximation of ‘Qui se ressemble s’assemble‘  in English – according to my French chums – was ‘Birds of a feather flock together‘. However flock does not exist in French, and feather is a different word too, so there was a bit of explaining on that one.

This was proverb 23 out of about 90 or so.

It was quite a long evening.

My personal favourite was the translation of ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks‘ (or ‘You can’t teach granny to suck eggs‘) which in French is ‘Ce n’est pas à un vieux singe qu’on apprend à faire la grimace‘  – you can’t teach an old monkey how to make faces.

I discovered that they have a specific name for people lacking in the standard number of eyes in France, as ‘In the valley of the blind the one-eyed man is king‘ translated in French to ‘Au royaume des aveugles, les borgnes sont les rois‘. ‘Borgnes’ being the name of a person with one eye.

When they queried me if there was a name for them in English, I dismissed their suggestion of ‘pirate’ (thinking they were kidding) and suggested ‘Cyclops’. They informed me that this would not go down well at all In France, and in fact would be taken as an insult.

So that’s something to keep in mind for this year’s Borgnes Convention.

Probably the highlight of the evening was when we read ‘Les petites ruisseaux font les grandes rivières‘ – little streams can make big rivers. This then had us all googling key words from the English translation of it – myself included.

There are now at least five inhabitants of a sleepy French town who are fully aware of what a ‘mickle’ is in relation to a ‘muckle’.

They are, however, still somewhat unclear on exactly how many mickles it would take to make a muckle, but they get the general idea.

A Virtual Cruise With The French…

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Cruise, English, entertainment, France, French, Humor, Language, Learning, Travel

 

The cruise ship that Christian and his wife travelled on.

The snow obviously had an impact on attendance last night at my English/French club (where I teach them English and they teach me French), as there were only five of us in attendance. We didn’t let the weather dampen our spirits though, and so Christian, one of the members of the group decided to take us on a cruise. Not literally (though that would have been nice), but rather  via Christian’s holiday photographs from last December, which he displayed for us with a Powerpoint presentation.

He wasn’t just showing off though, he was actually using it as a learning tool – for himself and the other members of the group. What he had done – on nearly every photograph – was to put a subtitle describing what was going on – in English.

‘You must correct me though’ he said, just before we started to enjoy the ‘show’ ‘After all that is what you are here for’. The cruise had taken Christian and his wife around five of the Canary Islands and, despite looking a tad overcast, he had still taken some lovely shots. The interior of the ship itself – The Horizon – looked like it was ripped straight from the late 80s; lots of orange and brown. Seeming to notice this Christian pointed out that it was ‘Very dated inside – but it did the job’.

He had done very well with his subtitles, with just the odd spelling mistake here and there. One example of this was when he was trying to illustrate the fact that he was taking a picture of an island that was far away, he had put ‘Fareway, one island’. I explained to Christian, and the rest of the group, that fareway meant something else and that he could put ‘One faraway island’ or ‘Far away, one island’ (I also said that you could equally just put ‘A faraway island’, but then everybody got confused and started arguing with each other in French, so I dropped it).

The best correction of the night however came from a photograph he had taken on the island of La Palma. In the photograph, taken at the base of one of the mountains, in the crater of the volcano on La Palma, there is a statue of Christ. The subtitle accompanying this read ‘You can pray before on mount’.

I knew, as did the rest of the group, exactly what he was trying to convey – you can pray before you climb up/start your ascent. I then explained what ‘mount’ meant in English.

Now I know that there are other meanings for the word, but I decided to plump for the most basic one. So I then, using only my hands and a few sound effects,  mimed a pair of horses ‘getting it on’. I’ve only been there three weeks, but I like to think I’m a fairly decent judge of what kind of ‘vibe’ a  group has and, luckily, I’d judged this lot right. They didn’t throw me out of the class for this, but rather burst out laughing, immediately grasping the point.

I also spent a while at the end of the presentation explaining  why ‘bog’ and ‘lav’ are nicknames for toilets in England. I doubt they will find my ‘lessons’ on the curriculum in any French school.

Being Interrogated By The French: Part Deux

Tags

English, France, French, Humor, languages, Learning

 

I enjoyed another great evening last night at the English speaking group (where I teach them English and they teach me French) which has swelled from the 6 attendees last week to 8 (or 9 if you count me).

 

Our chat ranged over a variety of subjects, at one point moving from Badminton, to Winston Churchill’s best quotes. One of the ladies that attends writes down phrases that she wishes to go over, and so asked me to spell out a particular word from one of the war-time PM’s famous sayings. She seemed to struggle with the English translation, so I switched to French.

 

This, however, meant I had to pronounce the letters ‘e’ and ‘o’, one of my weak points in French, which the group immediately noticed. I then spent five minutes practising how to pronounce them with Isabelle, the chemist, who was sitting opposite me. If anybody had passed the window at that point, and heard the sounds emanating from within, they would have thought that we were either A. Filming the world’s worst pornographic film or B. Re-enacting Planet Of The Apes.

 

Following on from this they also wanted to know if I could say the alphabet in French, which I said I could and, knowing they would ask me to anyway, I recited it. I was then treated to a round of applause from the assembled French upon completion of it and, when I told my partner about this when I got home, she started laughing. ‘They applaud you like you would a performing monkey!’ which, given the sounds I was making earlier in the evening, was quite apt.

 

Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, I’ve stopped ‘cutting them slack’ and was correcting their English at every opportunity.

Belote – A Dummies’ Guide For English Players. Part 3: Using The Online App

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Apps, Card Games, Cards, English, entertainment, Ex-Pats, France, French, fun, Learning, Teaching, technology

 

In the final part of my Belote guide I’m going to introduce you to the online app that allows you to play this game on a daily basis. I cannot emphasise this enough – if you want to get good at Belote USE THIS APP. It’s a fantastic, easy to use way of sharpening up your game and taking you from the player who gets on everyone’s nerves – because you keep forgetting the rules – to the player that people have to watch out for, because you’ve suddenly become much, much better.

The app can be found here is free to download, and can even be played while you are browsing Facebook. A word of warning on the ‘free’ part. Like all of these other free games there is a definite hint that you can, if you wish, spend money on this game through the process of buying more chips to play DO NOT DO THIS. I have been using this app to refine my game for the last few years, do you know how much I have spent? Nothing. Not a single penny.

The way to do this is easy. When you sign up for it you are given 2,000 chips to play. Each game you play ‘professionally’ that is, with other players, costs you 200 chips to ‘buy in’. You will then win 250 back if you are successful (so a 50 chip profit). There are different levels you can play at, where the stakes are higher, but stay on the ‘Relax’ level (that’s its name) and you won’t go far wrong.

Every day you go online and play, the app will invite you to ‘spin a wheel’ that grants you free chips. This can be anywhere from 100 – 400 chips (rarely 400 though). This helps to top up your chips for free. Another way of adding free chips is to ‘befriend’ other players during gameplay. This is not like adding friends on Facebook – they won’t suddenly start ‘liking’ your statuses. No, they are your friends on the Belote app, and that’s the only place they will see you, and you will see them.

These players can become your friends by simply hovering above their faces whilst playing – the options to add them are there. In the early days of playing I would say add as many players as you can. What happens then is each day these people can send you presents, and you can send them presents back. These presents take the form of chips and range from 11 – 18 chips (or so). These chips are not taken from your existing pot, but rather are a bonus amount that you have in seemingly infinite supply (but only to give as presents). This may not sound like much but if you have 20+ players sending you chips per day, coupled with the free spin each day and conservative play (stick to the relax level) you can see what I mean when I say you never have to spend a penny.

If you do ever run out of chips however there is the training mode of the game that you can fall back on, until you have enough chips from free spins and presents to get back in.

The training mode sees you pitted against three computer players, and costs you nothing. This is where you will start out on the app, before you are deemed good enough to move up to the relax level. I would strongly recommend you stay at this level – training that is – until you have enough confidence in yourself to play with real people on the relax level. each day you practice at this you will also be entitled to free spins, so do make the most of them.

If you do have the odd losing streak – and I’ve had more than my fair share of them – then simply turn it off and call it a day. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

If I had anything negative to say about the app it’s this – it will have the occasional glitch. This could be down to too many players, system updates etc I don’t know, I’m not a programmer. What this means though is that from time to time your game may freeze, other players may disappear and strange things may happen. Sometimes this passes, but sometimes it doesn’t and you will need to reset the game. Unfortunately this may often cost you your stake – so bye bye 200 chips. People have told me that you can complain on the Twitter feed of the game makers, and they will send you your chips plus extra for your time. I don’t know if this is true because, to be honest, I couldn’t be arsed with that – I just reset and reload. If it happens more than twice in a short period of time though then give it up for the day – there’s clearly an issue.

That’s about all you need to know about the app. In case you are wondering I have no stake in people clicking on the link to the game’s site. I get nothing back financially, and I am not affiliated with the creators in any way. I just recognise it for the fantastic learning tool that it is. Play it, learn from it, then take it and let it loose on your French friends – they won’t know what hit them!

 

 

So that’s all from my guide on how to play Belote. I hope you’ve enjoyed it, and I hope it all made sense. I think that a combination of reading this guide, using the app and playing with friends, should be all you need to become a seasoned pro at Belote!

 

Belote – A Dummies’ Guide For English Players. Part 2: Hints And Tips

Tags

Card Games, English, ex-pat, France, French, fun, games, Learning, Questions, Teaching

 

You’ve now – hopefully – read my first part on how to play this game, but that was just the basics. If you want to know more, and particularly if you want to improve your game, then read on, as I impart my accumulated, incredibly valuable wisdom (all 8 year’s worth of it anyway)…

 

• If your partner chooses the atout and it is not their turn to commence play at the start, but it is yours, then if you have an atout help them out by playing it. This will then hopefully enable them to ‘take control’ of the game.

 

• If you don’t have an atout, but do have a number of cards from another suit, then play a card from that – but NOT the ace or ten – this may then mean that your opponents will play a higher card and your partner may then be able to cut their play (or possibly cut your play, if you are winning) and take control.

 

• When you are deciding whether to pick the atout, never forget the strength of Belote, if you have the king and queen of the offered atout then this can greatly aid in victory.

 

• If you play a card of a non-atout suit and one of your opponents plays a ten – and it is not played for their benefit i.e they will lose it – this generally means that they do not have any other cards in that suit. You can then exploit this – especially if you suspect them of having an atout – by playing from that same suit again on the next turn (assuming you are in control). This will then force them to play any atout they may have.

 

• When you decide to pick an atout, always do it with a decent balance of ‘back up’ cards. By this I mean non-atout cards that are powerful in their own right – think aces, tens etc. A hand with three to four atout cards and two aces is an almost guaranteed win.

 

• If you have a ten and a lower card from the same suit you can try to ‘sniff out’ where the ace of that suit is by playing the lower card first (sacrificing it in the process). Then, once the ace is out of play, you will be able to win this suit when it next comes into play – as long as there are no atouts left in your opponents’ hands.

 

• Never play a high atout card if you can help it – unless it is for the benefit of your partner. If you have three atout and your opponents are playing to try and find them then – as long as they play a higher card – always play the lowest value card first. So if they play a jack – and you have the ace, the ten and the seven atout – play the seven first. Then when they play the nine, you play the ten. This will then mean that the atout you have left – the ace – is now the highest atout in the game (and you will see that your opponents will suddenly stop searching for atout when they realise this).

 

• KEEP AN EYE ON ALL THE CARDS PLAYED there are eight cards for all four suits being played. Being aware of what has – and hasn’t – been played is a massive factor in winning. For instance if you get to the last few hands and all atouts have been played, if you have three of any suit and you know that all the other cards in that suit have been played – and you are in control of play – you have effectively won the game. So it’s your turn to play, and you have the nine,eight and seven of hearts, and nobody else has any hearts or any atouts, you are ‘maitre’ – or guaranteed to win – for the remainder of the game, and nobody can challenge you.

 

• ALWAYS GIVE YOUR PARTNER POINTS if they are maitre and you do not have anything in the suit they are playing, or an atout if they are playing atout, then give them points. An ace, ten, king, queen or jack – only give them a nine, eight or seven if you don’t have anything else. Never forget, the points are always better in your ‘pot’ NEVER GIVE THE OTHER TEAM POINTS!

 

• If you want to go for ‘capote’ e.g win all the points in the game and thus the maximum points then the above rule may not apply. By this I mean that you may not wish to give away your ace to your partner, if you think you can use it later on to win a hand. This goes back to what I said above, about keeping an eye on who has played what card, and how many of them are left in the game.

 

• As a rule NEVER play your aces unless you know that you can take the hand. For example, if it’s your turn to play and there are still a full set of eight atout out there, then there’s a high risk that one of your opponents will cut it, and take a big bite out of your possible points.

 

• To repeat the previous points it should be particularly evident that, if you have five to six cards from the same suit, and they are not atout, then you should not play the ace as this will guarantee it will be cut. You can use this situation to your advantage though – don’t play the ace but play a lesser card and you may force you opponent to use up an atout on a card that will net them zero points.

 

• If it’s your turn to decide if you want to play the atout card or not, be careful what you choose. If the card offered is a jack it can be tempting if you have the nine of that suit – then you have the two most powerful atout cards. However if you don’t then receive more atout cards when the remaining cards are dealt you will then be left in a precarious position. If you have to cut a non-atout card you will have to use one of these, and it will be a clear signal to your opponents that you only have one more atout. They can then exploit this. Additionally even if you play the jack and the nine, if your opponents have more atout you will then be at their mercy. This would be where those ‘back up’ cards would come in handy, but if you don’t have any of those, you may be in trouble.

 

• Sometimes, for your own benefit, you may have to cut your partner’s hand, even if they are winning. An example of this, there was a hand I played once with my father-in-law. He was winning with ace of hearts, no atout had been played yet, and I had four atout. However I had Belote (king and queen) the ten and the nine atout. Thus from his position it could have come about that if he played atout – and it wasn’t the jack – then, due to the ascending order rule and my position at the table, I may have been forced to play my nine – and lose it. Essentially if he had played his eight, the player to my left had played the ace, I would then have been forced to play my nine and the opponent to my right could then have taken everything with their jack. Cutting him this way (which was not a popular move by the way – the French find these kinds of moves startling, but smile once you explain) meant that I had control of the game, could play an atout that we could afford to lose, and could find the jack at a relatively low cost.

 

So there you go, I hope those tips will help you in your game play, and I hope they are relatively clear and easy to understand. I will come back to this section from time to time to update it, to share more tips and hints as I discover them. Please now have a look at my third and final section on Belote – playing the online app…

 

Belote – A Dummies’ Guide For English Players. Part 1: How To Play

Tags

Card Games, Cards, Culture, English, Ex-Pats, France, French, games, Learning, Teaching

 

This is part one in a three-part series, part two can be found here and the third part here.

 

Frequent visitors to my blog may be unaware of the fact that I am part of a Facebook group, one that was created to educate (and entertain) people interested in living in France (or indeed people that already live here). The group’s membership is mainly made up of ex-pats from the UK, Australia, America and other predominantly English-speaking territories. You, my frequent visitor, will be unaware of my membership of this group because, until now, I’ve never mentioned it. So there you go. Boom! Just rocked your world with that news haven’t I?

 

Anyway, back to the point in hand. I decided to help these poor people out, by trying to teach them how to play Belote – a tricky task as you will soon discover.

 

Belote, for the uninitiated, is a popular French card game played in groups of four, subdivided into teams of two. It’s a very competitive game played throughout France, in homes among friends, and in halls as part of serious tournaments. The first prize isn’t money, or a car, or a holiday to Benidorm. No, as a rule you win a ham. So any competitive vegetarians can stop reading now.

 

Oh and even if you come dead last they still give you some meat (chicken).

 

 

I’m going to do my best to help them and also you, my frequent visitor, learn how to play this fantastic game. Belote is a tricky beast to master, and that’s coming from someone who’s been playing for years, but hopefully this guide will give you a solid grounding.

 

I will try to make this as comprehensive and user-friendly as possible, I will also do my best to make it entertaining, but not at the expense of the learning experience and – let’s face it – there really are only so many jokes you can make about a card game (even a French one) before it gets tiresome.

 

So, as you may or may not be aware, there are two options when it comes to learning how to play Belote:

 

1. You can learn the way I learned and that’s to play with the natives. This will involve many hours of wine, fun, laughter and abuse as you fail again, and again to wrap your head around the rules. You will never forget the many, many occasions that you were subjected to a stream of angry French, as you caused your team to lose for the third consecutive time. The red glow that seemed to emanate from your partner’s eyes as you placed the wrong card down at the wrong time – again! – will haunt your dreams. But hey! It’s only a game right? At least that’s what you tried to explain to your partner, as his hands closed around your windpipe, and you desperately wished you had a better grasp of French or – as darkness crept into your vision, you began to faintly hear your long-deceased grandmother gently calling your name, and a bright light began to shine down on you from above – at least knew enough to say ‘Hey! It’s only a game, right?’

 

2.      Or you can read a guide like this one…

 

So I will start this with the view that the person reading it has never played the game before, and wishes to play with friends who are similarly clueless as to the rules. So we will start with a breakdown of the cards, their names in French, what that ‘atout’ business is all about, and follow this with the rules, before wrapping the whole thing up with a breakdown of the scoring system.

 

THE CARDS, THEIR NAMES AND WHAT ‘ATOUT’ MEANS

 

So there may well be repetition of some things in this guide, as I will be going over the names of the cards you play with here, and then will reiterate that, again and again, further on. I cannot stress this enough – REPETITION IS A GOOD THING. This is not an easy game to master, so I’m trying to get the message across to you as best I can, by hammering it home, again and again.

 

Order Of Card Values If Played As Atout

Jack – the most powerful card in the game and called ‘valet’ in French.

Nine – second most powerful  called (quelle surprise) ‘neuf’.

Ace – goes by ‘as’ over here (watch the spelling on that one)

Ten – simply ‘dix’.

King – is called ‘roi’

Queen – is called ‘dame’

Eight – You probably know where I’m going with this now but if not this is ‘huit’

Seven – Yes, it’s called ‘sept’.

 

Example – If opponent plays the 9 and you have the jack – you can take the 9 with your jack

 

Something to note is that if you have the king and the queen atout then this constitutes ‘Belote’ and will give you extra points (more on that in the points section later). Remember this applies even if YOU HAVE NOT CHOSEN THE ATOUT YOURSELF.

 

Order Of Card Values If Not Played As Atout

Ace

Ten

King

Queen

Jack

Nine

Eight

Seven

 

Example – If  opponent plays 10 and you have the ace, you can take that ten with your ace – BUT ONLY IF IT IS OF THE SAME SUIT – UNLESS IS IT ATOUT AN ACE OF CLUBS WILL NOT BEAT A TEN OF HEARTS!

 

The suits themselves go by different names over here too, they are:

 

Hearts = ‘coeur’

Diamonds = ‘carreau’

Clubs = ‘trefle’

Spades = ‘pique’

 

YOU KEEP SAYING ‘ATOUT’! WHAT THE HELL DOES ‘ATOUT’ MEAN???

So down to this atout business. As I said above, the cards follow that order only if they have been chosen as atout. Atout is effectively a trump card and can be used to take other players trump cards or – if during gameplay they place a card from a suit that you do not have a card from, then you can take that hand by ‘cutting’ their play. So for instance if someone plays the ace of hearts, and you don’t have any hearts then you can take this hand by playing something as lowly as a seven, as long as it’s atout – that’s how strong the atout is.

Atouts – where possible – must be played in ascending order e.g if the player to your left puts down the ten atout and you have a higher card – say the nine for instance – then you HAVE TO PLAY HIGHER. If you do not have a higher card e.g the player to your left places the ace atout, but all you have are the king and the eight, then you are free to choose which card you put down (this is known as ‘pee pee’ in France) – and always play your weaker hand if it is for the benefit of your opponents – your stronger card may well come in useful later on.

When playing non-atout cards these rules do not apply and you can play any cards you want. So if the player to your left plays the king of hearts, even if you have the ace of hearts you can play a lower card if you wish to do so BUT ONLY FROM THE SAME SUIT.

 

So that’s a bit about the values of the cards and atouts, let’s get down to some actual game-playing now…

 

GETTING STARTED

First things first, you need the right amount of players – how many’s that? Like so many other card games four is the magic number for Belote. There are variations that can be played with just two people but that’s somewhat advanced, and thus best left for another day, and another guide.

This group of four players is then divided into two teams of two, each member of each team must sit facing their partner, they cannot sit side by side. How you organise who plays with who is entirely up to you. If you play with the same group for quite a while you will begin to see who you play best with – this may not necessarily be the person you get on best with, or sleep with for that matter. I get my best results from playing with my French father-in-law, and yet I wouldn’t kiss him if you paid me.

So assuming you have your foursome, you now need to obtain a pack of cards. From this pack of cards you need to remove the two, three, four, five, and six from every suit. You should then be left with the following cards: ace, jack, king, queen, ten, nine, eight and seven.

This is what you should have left after removing the other cards

Make a mental note that this means there will be EIGHT CARDS FOR EVERY SUIT INCLUDING THE CHOSEN ATOUT’S SUIT. This might sound patronising but keeping this simple detail in your mind can be difficult during play, but is one of the key components to success in Belote.

Shuffle the deck and then have each of the players pick out a card. Whoever has the highest card will then have first choice of whether to pick the atout or not when play commences. Once this is done put the cards back together and then split the pile in two. Pass it to a player – NOT the player who gets first dibs though – and they must then rejoin the pile in the opposite order to the way it was originally split.

You must then deal out the cards  – face down so that they are not visible – to each player. There are two ways of doing this, you can either deal out three cards to each player initially, and then two – so that each player is left with a pile of five cards – or you can do the reverse: two cards then three. All players should keep their cards hidden from each other at all times – this is especially applicable to each other’s partners – cheating is frowned upon, and treated quite harshly in France.

The dealer will then place the next card face up on the table so that all players can see it. This is – potentially – the atout card.

In the game your cards would not be visible – this is simply for illustrative purposes. As you can see above, you shouldn’t take atout as diamond, however your spade hand is very strong

Starting with the player who won the card pick at the beginning, and then proceeding  anti-clockwise, each player can then decide whether or not they wish to play, take the atout, and get the game rolling. If nobody wishes to take the first card offered play will go back around, starting with the first person who declined the initial card. There is then the opportunity to make any other card in your hand the atout card.

If the initial card is of no interest to any player, and nobody’s hand is deemed to be strong enough to select another suit to be atout, then each player must signal this by saying ‘deux’. If all players say ‘deux’ then the whole process starts again – the cards are split by the last person who dealt and the player sitting to their right then resplits the pack – again in the opposite way to how it was originally split – and deals out the cards. This process will repeat until someone chooses the initial card or decides they have a strong enough contender in their own hand.

So let’s say that you think you have a strong enough hand – and are prepared to take on the card that has been left by all the other players, including yourself – you elect to choose another suit and name it – simply saying hearts, diamonds, spades or clubs aloud (to be correct, and especially if you are playing with the natives, then use the French version of this, it will impress them).

Here we see that you have selected the spade as the atout card. You have announced this to the table and the remaining cards have been dealt. Three to each of the other players and two to you. You now have a very strong hand – you picked up an extra atout with the seven and you also have Belote – the king and queen atout.

In this case – or in the case of the atout being chosen being the one initially placed – you take the card and the remaining cards are dealt as follows: you (or whoever chooses the atout) receive two cards, while all other players receive three cards each. There should be no cards left in the deck whatsoever – if there are, and it happens more often than you would think, then something has gone wrong and you need to ‘reset’.

But nothing has gone wrong! The atout is selected and play has commenced.  The idea now is – generally – to sniff out the other players’ atouts, and thus take out the ‘threat’ they pose to your game. I will go into more detail on the various ways you can do this in a later section, but for now we’ll stick with the basics.

So let’s say you selected the atout and you are in control of the game i.e it’s your turn to play. If you have the jack and the nine in your selection then you should play one of these – it does not matter which one because as noted earlier, these are the two most powerful cards and will ‘defeat’ all other atout. If your opponents have atout THEY MUST PLAY THEM. Ideally this initial play – let’s say of the jack – will bring you three of their atouts. So now you know there are four left – if you deduct your nine that means three. You should then play the nine and, hopefully, you will then take the remaining atouts.

It was (ideally) your turn to play first, and you have played your jack. The player on your right has followed your play and put down the ten, your partner has played the eight and your other opponent has no atouts – as you can tell by their playing of a low value card that is of a different suit. You have four atouts left in your hand – you have three that you have just won, in front of you on the table, leaving just one atout to find – unfortunately it’s a biggie – the nine (note how I have put all cards in their corresponding suits? it greatly aids gameplay).

With the table now clear of atouts you are free to carry on playing the game as you would a normal card game. Thus if you play a king of hearts you will lose it if your opponent plays a ten, or an ace of hearts. But don’t forget, normal rules are back in play and so a nine is just back to being a plain old nine and is nothing special at all. Likewise a jack can be defeated by a queen, a king, a ten and an ace and is not the all powerful card it is when it is atout.

So let’s just imagine however, that there’s still an atout in play and, worst of all, your opponents have the best one – the nine. At this early stage in your playing you may not know who has it but, with experience, you will soon know who has what, and how to get it out of them. It’s not magic they use, these wily old French people, who seem to have an uncanny ability to figure you out – no, they just have great memories.

So there’s a rogue atout out there and it isn’t yours – you now have to be wary of losing your ace, or other high value cards to these atout because – say if you play the ace of spades and one of your opponents doesn’t have anything in that suit – they will cut your play with their atout and it’s bye-bye ace of spades!

You’ve decided to flush out the remaining atout and have chosen to play the seven. You don’t need to use a higher card as there is only one remaining atout and, whether it’s in your partner’s hand or that of your opponent, IT MUST BE PLAYED – so why give away points? The player on your right plays the nine, as they have to, your partner plays the jack (Always give away your weakest card if you have to to your opponents, and so this shows that he has a very good hand if this is the weakest cad he has to play) and the remaining opponent then plays a ten (if your partner is winning a hand – and you don’t have a card in the winning suit – ALWAYS give them a high value card – unless you are saving certain cards for a better time).

The reverse is applicable too though, for instance if you start with a decent handful of atouts – let’s say five (always a nice amount) – and you end up with two spare after claiming all the rest. Then you can keep them to cut your opponents with when they play something you don’t have anything in the same suit as (always hope to cut an ace or a ten though – nothing worse than being ‘flushed out’ by a seven).

The player who took the previous hand with the nine has played hearts, your partner has followed with a king and your other opponent has played an ace. As you do not have a heart you have no option but to cut this hand with your queen – saying ‘Belote!’ while doing so. You now take this hand and control is back with you. Note the two small piles of cards in each corner, these are each team’s respective ‘winnings’.

An additional word on cutting – if your partner plays a card that you do not have something of YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CUT HIM IF HE IS WINNING (see information on ‘maitre’ further on). This is something I can’t urge you enough to remember, unless it’s tactically advantageous to you (e.g: if you have figured out that by cutting your partner’s winning hand you will claim your opponent’s (yet to be played) ace) then DO NOT DO THIS. There is further information on this in the part 2 of this guide.

If your opponent plays a card however, in a suit that you do not have anything in, then YOU HAVE TO CUT. Don’t be surprised either – if you cut the play after your partner and one of your opponents, but before your other opponent – to see your other opponent hastily shuffling his hand and laying down something of much, much lower value than, say, the ace they had originally intended on playing.

It’s your turn again and you’ve played your ace of diamonds. As there are no other atouts left in your opponent’s hands you are “maitre” – guaranteed to win. So your partner has given you the most points he can in that suit – the ten. As you can see the player on your right has no diamonds and so has given you a low-value card.

You may also hear the French referring to themselves as ‘maitre‘ or their partner or another player may ask if they are ‘maitre‘. This simply means that they are winning the hand, even if they have played something as trivial as a seven of hearts – and even if that is not atout – IF NO OTHER PLAYER HAS A CARD IN THE SAME SUIT, AND ALL ATOUT HAVE BEEN PLAYED, A CARD AS INSIGNIFICANT AS A SEVEN CAN WIN A HAND.

Taking a gamble the ten of clubs is played, followed by the seven from the opponent on your right (as they don’t know who has the ace) your partner plays the queen and, unfortunately, your other opponent plays the ace, winning the hand and taking control of play.

You should really try keep spare atouts as last resorts, once the other atouts have been ‘sniffed out’ and always try to keep one till the very end if you can as this will  guarantee you win the last hand, and give you more points (more on this further down).

So here the player to your left has played the king, you have to play your eight, his partner plays the eight of clubs (showing they only have low-scoring cards left, if they had anything better this is the point they would give it as – working out from the cards that have been played – their partner is maitre here and guaranteed to win the hand) and your partner plays the seven.

One final note on atouts regards Belote – or rather if you have the cards that constitute it – the king and queen of the chosen atout suit. If you do, when you play them you must say the word ‘BELOTE!’ when you place it down, it doesn’t matter if you play the king or queen first. When you place the second one of these cards down, again whichever one it doesn’t matter, you must then say ‘RE-BELOTE!’. It’s unlikely that your friends or family will pick you up on this if you play them – and penalising your lack of vocalisation of this by refusing you the points is also highly unlikely – however in competitive environments (should you reach those dizzy heights, and potentially win the first prize of…ham!) they may be more severe. Plus the French will love hearing you say it.

The last hands are guaranteed to be yours – there are only two atout in play, and you have them. Some French players, at this point, lay the atout down on the table and the other players throw their cards in. We, however, will play the last two hands out. So this hand is yours and you regain control and retain it for the final hand…

It’s all over! As you have taken the last hand – as well as having Belote – you will get a points bonus. Ten extra points for the last hand and twenty extra points for having Belote. This may not sound like much but can often be the difference between winning and losing a game.

So that’s a general overview of how to play the game, I’m sure you’ve already got questions (and I don’t blame you) but hopefully by playing the game, and reading my other blog posts on the subject, you will be able to get stuck in.

So now one last word on the most puzzling aspect of all for some – which until recently included myself – how to tally the points…

 

SCORING A GAME OF BELOTE

 

So the values of cards are:

 

ATOUT

 

Jack = 20

Nine = 14

Ace = 11

Ten = 10

King = 4

Queen = 3

Seven = 0

Eight = 0

 

‘Belote’ – King and Queen atout held TOGETHER by any one player = 20 points

 

NON-ATOUT

Ace = 11

Ten = 10

King = 4

Queen = 3

Jack = 2

Nine = 0

Eight = 0

Seven = 0

10 points are also awarded for ‘Dix de der‘ which is the winning of the very last hand.

 

WINNING – AND LOSING – SCORES

You must have 82 points to win a game – minimum.

If you chose the atout and you do not meet the 82 point minimum the other team wins and will receive 162 points (182 if they have the Belote as well). This is known as ‘Dedans‘.

If you do the minimum then the other team gets your points (162) minus yours (e.g 162 – your 82 points means they get 80 points, or if you score 92 points then 162-92 = 70 and so on).

If you/your opponents choose the atout and win every hand then you/they win 252 points (272 with Belote) this is known a ‘Capot‘. This result differs at competitive levels (or where you are playing it with the natives) where the points you are awarded are lowered to 162 points (182 with Belote).

You need 1,000 points to win the game at competitions/playing with French natives (though this can vary).

If you are playing using the online app (more on that in a later blog) then this is lowered to 501.

 

So there you have it. I hope you have enjoyed reading my initial guide, and didn’t find it too tasking or wearying.  You may now feel free to read my other Belote guides, where I will be delving a bit deeper into Belote tips, hints, good and bad hands and how to use the online app.

 

Cultural French/UK Differences: Estate Agents vs Agence Immobilieres

Tags

Agence Immobiliere, cultural differences, Culture, England, English, Estate Agents, ex-pat, France, French, funny, Humor, Sales

Estate agents and agence immobilieres, one based in the UK, the other in France. They ostensibly perform the same function: to sell your house in the quickest possible time or, alternatively, to help you find that dream home.

 

There are however a few key differences between the two…

 

Average Age:

 

Estate Agent: 20 – 30

 

Agence Immobiliere: 60 – 70

 

Location of business premises:

 

Estate Agent: Centrally located in heart of city/town/village

 

Agence Immobiliere: Centrally located in heart of city/town/village

 

 

Likelihood of finding dogs on said business premises:

 

Estate Agent: Very Low

 

Agence Immobiliere: At least one.

 

Will they smoke on said business premises?

 

Estate Agent: Smoking on business premises is illegal in the UK (so not while you are there)

 

Agence Immobiliere: Smoking on business premises is illegal in France (so not while you are there and occasionally while you are there)

 

What’s the lighting like inside said business premises?

 

Estate Agent: Bring sunglasses

 

Agence Immobiliere: Bring a torch

 

How they will greet you the second time you enter said business premises:

 

Estate Agent: ‘Hello, can I help you?’

(Translation: ‘What do you want? I’m nearly at level 80 on Candy Crush Saga!’)

 

Agence Immobiliere: (after warmly shaking your hand/kissing you on both cheeks) ‘Bonjour Monsieur/Madam (insert surname here). Ca va?’

(Translation: ‘Hello Mr (Insert surname here) how are you today?’)

 

How they will greet you the fourth time you enter said business premises:

 

Estate Agent: ‘Hello, can I help you?’

(Translation: ‘What do you want? I’m trying to upload my photos from the Ibiza trip to Facebook!’)

 

Agence Immobiliere: (after warmly shaking your hand, kissing you on both cheeks) ‘Bonjour (insert Christian name here) voulez vous une cafe, ou une boisson?’

(Translation: ‘Hello (insert Christian name here). Would you like a coffee or something to drink?’)

 

Likelihood that your agent will be related to someone else in company:

 

Estate Agents: Low

 

Agence Immobiliere: Them and that other person over there, you know the one that looks like a younger, female version of them? They ARE the company.

 

Routes to market for your property:

 

Estate Agent: Targeted email campaign, Facebook campaign, personalised brochure, open house days, local area leafletting, placement on multiple websites.

 

Agence Immobiliere: Placement on website of agency, discussion in queue at bakers, discussion in queue at butchers, discussion in queue at gunshop, discussion whilst out walking dog (s).

 

Number of Photographs that will be taken of the properties:

 

Estate Agent: a minimum of 10 or so photographs, depicting the interior, the exterior and everything that could possibly show the property in its best light.

 

Agence Immobiliere: A minimum of 1 or so photographs, sometimes the same photograph, 3 times, showing the same aspect, just slightly closer each time.

 

Will the agent ever take photographs as if they were taken by someone who has had a restraining order imposed on them and is not allowed within 100 ft of the property and thus has to resort to taking photographs when the house is fully shuttered on an overcast day from quite a distance away?

 

Estate Agent: Never

 

Agence Immobiliere: All the time

 

 

Will you move furniture around to get a better shot?

 

Estate Agent: Yes

 

Agence Immobiliere: No

 

Will they move people/animals out of shot?

 

Estate Agent: Yes

 

Agence Immobiliere: Sometimes

 

Have they mastered the art of taking a photo in a room with a mirror without appearing in said mirror?

 

Estate Agent: Yes

 

Agence Immobiliere: No

 

You are selling a house for over 200k, do you think people will want to see more than 3 photographs, one of which is of a bush?

 

Estate Agent: Yes

 

Agence Immobiliere: No

 

Do you think this looks like a good photo to have on your website?

 

 

Estate Agent: No

 

Agence Immobiliere: No

 

So why is it there Agence Immobiliere? Don’t you understand the term ‘correct photo orientation’?

 

Estate Agent: (Sniggers)

 

Agence Immobiliere: (shuffles feet)

 

I don’t know what you are laughing at Estate Agent, here’s one of yours:

 

 

Estate Agent: (shuffles feet)

 

Agence Immobiliere: (Sniggers)

 

Do lots of your properties look like they are haunted?

 

Estate Agent: No

 

Agence Immobiliere: 75%

 

If you are selling a property who will accompany the prospective buyer?

 

Estate Agent: Ostensibly the estate agent will arrange all viewings, with the promise that you will not interact with the prospective buyer at all. In reality they will text you to tell you that they have ‘gotten held up’ and ‘could you be a gem and show the house for me?’. The buyer will then arrive 30 minutes late (or early) because the estate agent hasn’t relayed the correct information to them. This will only happen 8 out of 10 times though.

 

Agence Immobiliere: The agent, his/her son/daughter and his/her dog (s).

 

Potential timescale for the sale of a property?

 

Estate Agent: Days/Weeks/Months

 

Agence Immobiliere: Months/Years/Decades

 

How they will greet you when you enter their business premises after the successful completion of your sale/purchase:

 

Estate Agent: ‘Hello, can I help you?’

(Translation: ‘What do you want? I’m bidding on an ab-toner on eBay and it ends in 2 minutes, I need it to look good for my next holiday to Ibiza!’)

 

Agence Immobiliere: (after warmly shaking your hand, kissing you on both cheeks) ‘Bonjour (insert Christian name here) voulez vous une cafe, ou une boisson? Comment vont les enfants? Merci encore pour votre enterprise’

(Translation: ‘Hello (insert Christian name here). Would you like a coffee or something to drink? How are the kids? Thanks again for your business’)