Look Out, Look Out! There Are Guard Cats About!

Tags

animals, Cats, France, French, funny, Guard Cats, Humor, Humour, Learning, News

 

I was talking to a French bloke yesterday about cats.

We were at a friends and family get-together, eating and drinking, all the usual things, and I’d struck up a conversation with Bernard a pal of my beau-pere and, naturally, the conversation got around to cats.

I’d mentioned to him that my previous next-door neighbour had 25 cats. 25 indoor cats I should add.

I know this because after she moved out the owner of the property had to clean it up. I got talking to him because he’d spilled cement on my gazebo roof and came round to clean it up, which was nice of him.

’25 cats! Oh, the smell’ the owner had said to me, wafting his hand in front of his nose in case I didn’t understand what ’25 cats! Oh, the smell’ meant in French. But I did, so that was good. ‘The next person we rent the house out to’ he’d continued, with a determined look in his eye ‘No more than 3 cats!’

He was true to his word. Our new neighbour only has 3 cats. And one French bulldog.

And approximately 30 chickens (plus an undisclosed number of indoor chickens).

Back to Bernard and he told me that 25 cats was nothing.

‘There’s a lady in my village’ he said to me ‘Who has a 100 cats’ (He said ‘une centaine de chats’ and I don’t use that number very often in reference to cats, so I had to check with my partner that I’d understood 100 correctly. I had.) ‘I mean she doesn’t feed them all, and they come and go, and are pretty wild, but yes, 100 cats’. I thought to myself that those cats probably wouldn’t go hungry if she died, but I kept that thought to myself.

‘That’s nothing though’ he said to me and commenced to tell me a tale about a friend of his who lives in La Réunion, an overseas French department, east of Madagascar. This friend of his lives in a house surrounded by very high walls, with barbed wire at the top, and owns a team of guard cats.

Yes, you read that right – guard cats.

Bernard visited his friend earlier in the year and witnessed this phenomenon first-hand. There are, according to Bernard, 15 of them, and if you don’t ring a special bell when you enter the premises, or they don’t know you, they will attack en-masse.

‘They come at you all at once, and get their claws out and hiss’ Bernard added, while making a very bizarre expression to let me know what a cat with its claws out looked like, in case I hadn’t understood him. But I had understood him, so that was good, plus I got a free cat impersonation thrown in.

He then explained that these cats will then remain in attack-mode until they receive the stand-down word from either of their owners. Or they kill whatever has disturbed them, whichever comes first.

‘I’d never seen a team of guard-cats until then’ Bernard said to me.

‘I’d never heard of guard-cats until just now’ I replied, still trying to picture what 15 cats all attacking at once would look like, and trying to get the ‘Thundercats‘ theme tune out of my head.

 

So let me know, have you heard of guard cats?

 

 

 

Cats, Chickens And One Dog Review My Garden Makeover…

Tags

animals, Cats, Corona, Environment, funny, gardening, Humor, Humour, Lockdown

Image for illustration purposes only, actual garden much less attractive

I currently have plenty of time on my hands and have therefore given my garden a bit of a makeover, weeded it, rearranged the solar lights, moved some plants around etc. etc. The response so far from the local community has been, on the whole, positive. Here are a selection of ones I have received…

Following reviews Sourced from Catadvisor Website:

 

MouseKILLAH42 wrote a review on Wednesday 25th March

**** (out of five)

‘Having been a frequent visitor to this garden in the past I am pleased to see that the recent overhaul has resulted in a marked decrease in weeds to the point where they now number almost zero. I must say that this makes defecating a real pleasure, as it means I no longer run the risk of scratching my rectum on a thistle and then having to spend all of the next day licking it. Although of course I will still spend all of the next day licking it.’

CatZilla1,089 wrote a review on Wednesday 25th March

*** (out of five)

‘Having lived next door to this human for some time now, I believe myself to be something of an authority on this garden, and therefore I am both pleased and dismayed by the changes he has wrought. The lack of weeds pleases me – as others have noted, ‘red rectum’ is now less of an issue. However the increase in lighting means that I can all too clearly see my fellow cats’ faces as they strain to unleash their logs. I find their bizarre grins most off-putting when I myself am trying to lay a cable’

 

Birdeater128 wrote a review on Tuesday 24th March

***** (out of five)

‘Fantastic! Amazing! Wonderful! I am running out of words to describe my reactions  to the improvements my next-door-but-one human has made to his garden. The lights are wonderful! I do so enjoy watching my fellow cats drop their loads all over his pristine garden, I get a certain buzz from it! And his shrubbery and bushes are so neat now that it would be a crime to urinate and spray my scent on them. This thought often runs through my head as I urinate and spray my scent on them’

 

TheycallmeMRFLUFFY! wrote a review on Tuesday 24th March

* (out of five)

‘I really do not know what has happened here but myself and my 12 children shall not be going back. Lights everywhere! No weeds! He is clearly going for a modern style but it’s not to our tastes. We were forced to defecate behind the small Wendy House at the rear of the garden last night as the main garden area was full to the brim with defecating cats. He may have made it more popular with the local crowd, but I shall be taking my – and by extension that of my family’s – business elsewhere in future.’

 

Following reviews Sourced from WhatChicken? Website

Lucyhen1,278 wrote a review on Wednesday 25th March

** (out of five)

‘I hop/flap awkwardly in 2 dis garden from time to time and I hav 2 say dat wot he haz dun haz rooined it for me and for lotz of udda henz yeah coz dere iz no weedz now and I liked dem weeds and dey woz tazty yeah and now dere iz just loads of solar lights and cat shit. And aint nobody wantz dat yeah?’

 

Lucyhen1,115 wrote a review on Wednesday 25th March

** (out of five)

‘I also hop/flap awkwardly in to dis garden and I have to agree wid da uva reviewah that he haz rooined this. Dem catz iz larfing at us cos we aint got no weeds no more and they haz du mona…monopil….monopily…dey ownz dat garden now yeah? I mean I will stil flap awkwardly inn and crap in it too but It wont be da same’

 

Lucyhen999 wrote a review on Tuesday 24th March

***** (out of five)

‘Awww man I luvz dis garden yeah? I don’t care abaht the weeds and da light I just likz making da ownah chase me in hiz dressing gown. He nevah catchas me I just runz around behind his bushes and that. He looks propah stupid wiv his crocs onn an all. What year he finnk it is? Crocs? Itz 2020 mayte, 2008 called dey wantz dere shoes back’

 

Following review sourced from The Wuff Guide To Where To Pooh

Wheresmyballsgone4578 wrote a review on Tuesday 24th March

* (out of five)

‘Why man close gate? Now can’t go do poo in garden. Liked doing poo in garden. Now garden bright at night and full of cats. Also full of chickens during day. Why man close gate? Where my balls gone?’

Talking To Chickens And Painting Balconies, The Corona Virus Lockdown Continues…

Tags

animals, Chickens, Coping, Corona, France, fun, funny, Humour, outdoors, Relationships, Virus

It’s important to try to reach out and remain social in these dark times. With that in mind let me introduce my new friends from next-door: Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy and Dave.

 

 

This is actually Dave 2. Dave 1 was much smaller, black and full of beans. Despite his diminutive stature he would eyeball me and puff out his chest every time our paths crossed. However since Dave 2 arrived Dave 1 has vanished.

 

As we have the time I also took the opportunity to repaint our little ‘balcony’ and protective guardrail, in a nice shade of white.

 

This is a yearly ritual, and my agreement with the family of sparrows that lives in the nest above it is that they leave it alone for a minimum of 15 seconds before they defecate on it. Perhaps sensing that there was something going on at the moment, they very graciously left it clean for a whopping 25 seconds.

I don’t mind, they are very neat…pooers? and they were here first. Plus I love the noise they make.

A French Winter’s Tale…

Tags

animals, christmas, France, French, funny, Humour, Language, Learning, Life

 

I was back teaching my group of French retirees English last night. As it was our first class following the Christmas holidays I asked them to write a short piece about what they did during the festive season. Then – to make it more interesting – I mixed up the sheets, so that each person would end up with somebody else’s work. They then read out the piece they had been given, with the aim of the ‘game’ being for everyone to guess who had written what.

 

I won’t go into too much detail, or copy out everything that was written, however I thought I would share one piece in particular, as I found it to be humorous, quirky and very evocative of rural French life…

 

I love Christmas when it snows

But this year it was just raining

Like cats and dogs – but I have no dogs

So I can say it was raining like sheep and cats

Though sheep don’t mind the rain, but the cats do.

As for the other animals, the kids were very interested to see the rooster jump on the hen.

Suddenly they understood everything…

 

Introducing French Mole Rugby League…

Tags

animals, France, fun, funny, Humour, Life

I thought I would draw attention to a little-known and underappreciated sport in my new country – French Mole Rugby League. I took a few photographs of a match currently being played on a pitch local to me today, in order to show people what they are missing.

As you can see in the first photograph the home team – Jasper’s Jets – are playing fantastically well. Their prop-forward – Bob ‘The Burrower’ Brown – is just about to make a pass and has achieved a remarkable distance in what is a new record time for the sport of mole rugby-league (7 weeks).

On the other end of the pitch it’s a different story altogether. The visitors – The Taupe Terrors – are looking distinctly disorganised as they have yet to even get started, and some may argue that they appear to be moving backwards.

Further adding to their embarrassment is the fact that their star player – Dave ‘The Digger’ Dawkins – has been sidelined for the second time in as many matches after he was caught smuggling illegal, performance-enhancing equipment under the pitch (a trowel).

Rules are strict on this kind of behaviour and could see him hit with a two-match suspension, meaning he may not see the light of day till 2025, and his sponsors (Moleborough) may put an end to his lucrative advertising deal.

The tension is truly mounting here and for more on this up and coming sport tune back in the same time next year for the half-time update.

A Death In The Family…

Tags

animals, Cats, Death, Grief, love, Mourning, Sadness

It’s with great sadness that I write this blog, to commemorate the passing of the fifth member of our family and (sort of) my third ‘child’: Jesse the cat.

He wasn’t with us for long, just over a year in fact. Found originally lost and alone in a small forest, he was given to us by a friend. He soon settled in and became part of the family quickly. My son already had a name picked out for him, in fact he’d had a name picked out for ‘his’ cat for a few years – Jesse.

Here he is chilling out in one of his favourite positions.

I won’t say it was a smooth introduction between the cat and myself. I at first just saw this creature as something else that I would have to clean up after, and, while there’s no escaping the fact that this was true, he soon won me over.

He would shower me with cuddles and became almost dog-like in his behaviour. Every morning when I would return from dropping the kids and my partner off, at school and work respectively, he would be waiting for me in the kitchen. He would then head towards the kitchen door and wait patiently, but pointedly, for me to open the door so that we could go into the lounge where he could give me his morning cuddle. This could go on for an hour, and would sometimes impact my morning cleaning schedule. But I never complained.

Relaxing in the sun and admiring the view

He was fabulous with the kids, and they adored him. Although my daughter could love him a bit too aggressively, and he would repay this by taking the occasional bite out of her leg. Or claw her face a bit.

Yes, we always used a lot of plasters when Jesse and my daughter got together.

With my son he was more relaxed, as my son seemed to understand that cats didn’t like being disturbed when they were asleep. And that they really hated having an inflated balloon slapped in their face. Something my daughter, for all her smarts, never grasped.

Comfortable, content, chilled out and comatose.

The way Jesse played with the kids was another amazing aspect of his character. He would always be with us when we were outside – even trooping along with us to the postbox to collect the mail (hence why I came to look at him as a third child, he would always walk along behind us, bringing up the rear). And would even participate in games of football, actively chasing down the ball and catching it, like a goalkeeper. Something I have never seen in any other cat.

A position he used to favour when he was young, we dubbed it the ‘sleeping fruit bat cat position’

It was just over a year since Jesse joined us, and we were returning from our holidays, on the way back in the car, when we received the call. He had one of those ear tattoos you see, the ones vets use to identify them with. We knew it wasn’t good news, and as the vet told my partner over the phone what had happened I glanced at her while I drove, seeing the tears shimmering in her eyes, and I knew what was being said. He’d gone venturing one night and hadn’t seen the car coming towards him…and that was that. We were just grateful – as the vet told my partner later – that it was quick, no suffering.

We took the decision to tell the kids immediately, and they cried their eyes out. But, kids being kids, they bounced back soon, and we all participated in building him a memorial garden, as well as planting a flower for him.

Here he is being a ‘sub miaower’ next to my sub-woofer.

So yes you are gone our friend, off to chase flies and spread your hair everywhere in a better place. We will never forget you, and thank you for bringing so much joy to our lives, even if it was for such a brief period.

All our love, always and forever xxxx

 

R.I.P ‘Jesse’ 2017 – 2018

Wednesday Fun With The Animals…

Tags

animals, Countryside, Farms, France, fun, Humor, Photos, Relationships

Due to French teachers enjoying a glass of wine (or six) with their dinners to mark the half-way point of their working week, I pick the kids up early on Wednesdays. Our favourite thing to do on this day is to go and feed the animals in one of the local farmer’s fields. I say they are farmers, but to be honest they just might be people who enjoy having massive fields, and then shoving some animals in there.

Wouldn’t surprise me in the least, this is France after all where everybody has at least two or three things with four legs.

So here we head, during the week, just me and the kids. It’s a great, cheap way for them to see some animals up close (just the price of a bit of bread, or fruit) and the livestock have got that used to us that we don’t usually have to call them anymore, they just recognise my son’s mass of curls and come shambling over.

It wasn’t like that to start with, back then I had to rattle my (appropriately named) Asda Bag For Life in the air for a few minutes before I got any response. These days though, they are there like a shot.

It must be the nice bread.

Either that or they’ve realised that if they don’t get over quickly my daughter will eat it all (It’s very nice bread).

They don’t like buns though – we’ve discovered that if you offer buns or cakes to the donkeys or the horse, they’ll eat one then sniff your next offering, with a distinct air of mistrust, and refuse any more sweet baked goods.

Although if the goats are there you won’t have any problems off-loading four-day-old cakes  – they will eat anything.

They’ve even tried to eat my son’s hat a few times.

Either that or they were trying to eat my son.

The road that runs alongside the field is well travelled, and one of the weeks while we were feeding the animals a group of French visitors passed us. They made appreciative ‘cooing’ noises and voiced the opinion that it was great to see something like this: a bit of country life in the middle of a city.

I wouldn’t call where we live a city in a million years – but I got their point.

It’s great to be able to open your door on a morning and see ducks, geese and chickens roaming in the fields (and even the odd cow from time to time). And being able to throw on some clothes and be able to feed horses, donkeys and goats within five minute’s walk is also something I don’t think you can put a price on.

The kids love it and it’s such a thing to see, these giant beasts, taking food from their hands in a very delicate manner – as if they know they are small and fragile.

That lasts right up to when one of the goats or sheep get too close, then the horse or the donkeys lose their shit and chase them away. We love feeding them, but there’s definitely a hierarchy going on here – and the sheep and goats are definitely below the horse and his donkey buddies.

So yes, a great activity for me and the kids on a Wednesday.

Oh and if you thought we only fed them when the sun’s shining on a glorious day like today…

 

….you’d be wrong! Nothing stops our Wednesday fun!

The Tale Of The Two Babies And The Bath Thief…

Tags

animals, Cats, children, Family, funny, Humor, kids, Parenting, Relationships, stay-at-home Dad, toys, Trainspotting

The two babies came downstairs one day to discover a very big surprise was waiting for them – their very own bath!

 

They were very, very happy about this and got in straight away!

 

 

They were pleased to be in the bath as they had been wearing the same clothes for over a year, and so they absolutely reeked.

 

They also wore those clothes in the bath, because that’s what you do in a bath isn’t it.

 

‘This is nice’ said Winky-Eye Baby, as he pretend-sploshed water all over his (her?) clothes.

 

‘Yes it is’ replied Onesie Baby ‘It’s about bloody time too. I thought my clothes were going to be classed as a biohazard if I let them get any dirtier’.

 

‘You do know there isn’t actually any water?’ said Winky-Eye Baby, with a worried frown on his (her?) face ‘It’s all just pretend. Don’t tell me you’ve been at the bleach again?!’.

 

‘It’s real if you wish hard enough’ said Onesie Baby.

 

‘Well, why don’t you shit in one hand and wish in the other, and see which one fills up first’ replied Winky-Eye Baby.

 

After their bath the two babies had a lovely game of ‘High Fly’, a fun game which involved them being hurled as fast as they could be at walls and doors, by their boisterous Mummy. She was a very loving Mummy, but she loved in a quite violent way, and so if the two babies were real she would probably be doing about 25 years-to-life in prison for infanticide.

 

Though if they were real it would probably raise more questions about how a three-and-a-half year-old could have babies.

 

After their game the two babies decided to have another bath, but were shocked to discover it had been stolen!

 

Who stole it?

 

 

‘It’s that fucking cat!’ said Winky-Eye Baby ‘As if it’s not bad enough that we get used as a teeth and claw sharpener by that thing, now we will have to clean out its hairs before we get back in!’

 

‘And we might catch toxoplasmosis’ he (she?) added.

 

‘What’s toxoplasmosis?’ Onesie Baby asked.

 

‘Its that disease from cat shit that killed Tommy in Trainspotting’ replied Winky-Eye Baby ‘Mind you he was a junkie with AIDS, so we should be alright’

 

‘Plus we’ve got no central nervous system’ added Onesie Baby.

 

The cat did look awfully comfortable though, and the two babies worried they would never get their bath back, but just then he woke up!

 

‘Oh I do hope he doesn’t bite my head again’ said Winky-Eye Baby

 

‘That’s not the worst thing they do’ replied Onesie Baby ‘I’ve heard when they get older they hump you’

 

‘No I think that’s dogs’ countered Winky-Eye Baby ‘Plus he’s having his bollocks off next month so it shouldn’t be an issue’.

 

Just then Mummy arrived, and the two babies had beaming smiles on their faces at the prospect of getting their bath back. Or they would have done if in fact they could smile, and weren’t just moulded lumps of rubber.

 

‘She’ll sort that bloody ball of fur out’ said Winky-Eye Baby.

 

 

‘Yes we’ll soon be back in our nice warm bath, I can’t wait!’ squealed Onesie Baby in delight.

 

However the two babies were in for a shock…

 

 

 

‘What a bitch’ said the two babies together.

Cats Are Useless At D.I.Y….

Tags

angry, animals, Annoying, Cats, funny, Furniture, Humor, stay-at-home Dad

Bought some furniture, decided today would be a good day to build it. Mother-in-law suggested I might like some help from her partner.

 

He has a short fuse. I have a short fuse.

 

Not a good idea.

 

I don’t like building flat-pack furniture with other people. The instructions suggested I should build this item with other people:

 

 

If I built this unit with 2 other people I would soon be on the front page of the French newspapers for killing 2 other people.

 

I really, really don’t like building flat-pack furniture.

 

I had an idea, maybe my new feline friend could help me:

 

 

He didn’t seem too interested, and repeatedly failed to pass me any dowels, either of my screwdrivers and not one single screw.

 

He was a ‘silent’ partner throughout the process. Probably for the best really…

 

 

Furniture built + cat still alive = result.

 

I still really, really don’t like building flat-pack furniture.

Now We Are Five…

Tags

angry, animals, Cats, Family, funny, Humor, Relationships, stay-at-home Dad

So we said that we would get a cat when we moved to France. It all seemed so abstract when we said it, even the idea of actually moving to this lovely country seemed like a dim and distant dream. But here we are. And now so is he.

 

His name’s Jesse, he’s a black cat. Just a generic one, nothing fancy, thought it best if we start out with a standard model, before looking at something else in ten years time (that’s how long they live, right?).  I wasn’t all that bothered to be honest, I’m more of a dog person. But then I was constantly beaten about the head with this promise we’d made to the kids.

 

That plus my son already has the name picked out.

 

As luck (depending on your viewpoint on cats) would have it a colleague of my partner had just found a stray kitten, abandoned and alone. What a heartbreaking story. My partner approached me and, using her largest eyes, convinced me to take it on. After all, we had promised the kids.

 

He settled in well on the Sunday we brought him home, he was already trained to do ‘his business’ where he should so that was one box ticked. Then the next day my partner went to work, and it was just me, the kids and a cat. Approximately two-hours after she’d left I sent her the following text:

 

START ASKING YOUR COLLEAGUES IF THEY WANT A CAT. THAT CAT HAS TO GO. WE DIDN’T THINK THIS THROUGH. IT’S TOO MUCH. IF I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS FOR THE NEXT SEVEN WEEKS I’LL GO MAD.

 

Oh yeah, did I mention that this is the start of the 8-week Summer holidays, here in France? Well it is.

 

So after that frantic text I sent both kids to their rooms in a bid to de-stress. It may not sound like much, but after being used to coping with two kids, settling into that groove and knowing how to run things smoothly, you introduce an 8 pound (I’m guessing, I haven’t weighed him) ball of fur, claws and teeth into the mix and things go to hell.

 

I came down into the living-room, full of plans as to who we could give him to, who would need a cat…anything to get him out of the house as quickly as possibly. I sat on the couch and who came up to me, purring like the world’s smallest lawnmower? Of course it was Jesse.

 

He stayed like that for ten minutes, purring away, until he fell asleep. I think it was right then that I decided he was part of the family. I quickly sent a text to my partner, in a bid to erase the earlier one, knowing full well that she would never forget it and bring it up, again, and again, and again….

 

He’s alright. I like him. He doesn’t half sleep in some funny positions too, which is amusing..

 

But on the other hand, he’s curious about everything, which can mean it’s difficult to get any work done…

Computer restart due to cat jumping on all keys, in case you were wondering.

 

So yes, our relationship got off to a rocky start, but now we seem to be firm friends. You know, as long as I feed him, water him, clean up his poo and give him lots of cuddles.

 

I’ve got a third child haven’t I?

 

Oh and for the record? I still want a dog.