17 Saturday Aug 2019
Posted in kids
‘You speak French badly’ she says to me.
‘I speak English better than you though’ I says to her.
‘NO!’ she says to me.
‘What does antidisestablishmentarianism mean?’ I says to her.
That shut her up.
I walked away from that exchange with a smile on my face, the clear victor, having put her in her place.
Knowing my five-year-old daughter though, she’ll probably go and look that word up. Bloody kids.
25 Thursday Apr 2019
Posted in kids
So we’re having work done on our road at the moment, to drag us kicking and screaming into the 21st century and upgrade our internet to fibre. Woooh!
This has resulted in a LOT of upheaval to parking, traffic, access etc. etc.
One of the bonuses from all this work however is all the machinery that the workers use. The kids love it.
They especially love it when the workers dump a ton of rocks right outside our front door too. I look at it and see something vaguely annoying, and wonder why they couldn’t put it somewhere else.
This is because I am old and grumpy.
My kids see something else, this is because they are young, and have fresh eyes. They see Everest and want to conquer it. So that’s what my son did:
Yay! Round of applause! Now go clean your bedroom…son? Son? Why are you running away????
26 Tuesday Mar 2019
Posted in kids
On tonight’s menu in Mr Mum’s house we have a veritable feast of delightful foodstuffs, all lovingly prepared to cater to the needs of the individual’s requirements. It may be only sandwiches, but no corners have been cut (literally BOOM BOOM!) in the efforts of the Michelin starred chef that has created this bounty of bread-based, bite-sized taste-bombs, that will surely set the tongues of the tasters alight with joy.
Carefully sectioned into quarters, this sumptuous feast features only the (supermarket) freshest ham available, and with all the fatty bits trimmed off and shoved in the bin, there remains only the choicest pieces of ham to ensure the palate is treated to a veritable pork-based party.
Cucumber has been loving rinsed for three seconds and then sliced to make it look slightly posher than it actually is, and the segments have each been painstakingly, and liberally, salted, to avoid cries of ‘SALT! SALT!’ as has happened from time to time.
Fresh (ish) tomatoes have been added for a little variety, and also because there’s nothing better than cleaning the seed explosion from off of the sofa cover (purchased to protect the sofa underneath from seed explosions* (*and other things)) when madam bites into them like some kind of animal.
The whole dish is served up on a dazzlingly blue plate emblazoned with Ella and Elsa, or Sarah and Sue or whatever they are called, from the tragi-comedy that is ‘Frozen‘.
Grunts and chewing noises can be heard and there seems to be a word emitted from the thing on the sofa. Could be ‘Merci‘ or ‘Thanks daddy, I love you‘ or ‘This is delicious, I’m so lucky to have you making this for me‘ but in all likelihood it’s probably ‘Where’s my water?‘.
Eschewing the needless frivolities of cucumbers or tomatoes, this dish is served up in as bare a bones style as possible. This suits the needs of that most exacting of connoisseurs: my son. Who has rigid rules, very much like Fight Club.
These rules basically boil down to:
With this in mind the meal for sir has been carefully prepared on seedless brown bread – oh yeah, rule number six, I forgot:
6. I don’t want any seeds in my bread
Again all traces of fat have been removed from the ham to ensure only the best meat passes sir’s lips. The resulting mix of bread and ham and butter has been loving shaped in to what one hopes resembles a face. Six consecutive attempts were made to try to lovingly shape it into this, after the first five were what could lovingly be described as ‘nightmare-inducing‘.
The whole meal is beautifully presented on a random beige plate due to sir’s ‘Marvel’s The Avengers‘ plate being out of commission due to an earlier incident involving chocolate.
‘What’s that?’ (after being told it’s a face) ‘No, it looks weird, it doesn’t look right…where’s my water?’
03 Tuesday Jul 2018
Tags
cycling, education, France, French, fun, funny, Humor, kids, Nursery, Parenting, school, stay-at-home Dad, training
I’m trying to integrate into my new community here in la belle France. It’s easier when you’ve got kids as you can talk to the other parents and offer your services at their school. If you don’t have kids and you do that you just seem strange.
And when I’m not offering my services my partner is offering my services. Which is why today I found myself escorting a group of four and five-year-olds to the local park, so they could learn about the rules of the road. Except not actually on the road, because that would be madness, no we just set up a few obstacle courses that effectively mimicked things they would need to look out for when they did eventually ‘hit the road’.
As an example of what these obstacle courses amounted to I will tell you about the section I was in charge of. I was in charge of the roundabout, or ‘rond point’ as it’s called over here. This meant I had to stand there and make sure they went around it the right way. Which, depending on where you hail from as you read this, may actually be the wrong way for you. It used to be for me, coming from the UK where I went round it the other way. But I’ve adapted and now only occasionally go round it the wrong way. Which is the right way for the UK but the wrong way here. What was I talking about? I’ve forgotten…oh yes, the safety course.
So the teachers laid down the rules to the kids before we began, and ensured they knew exactly what they had to do. It boiled down to this:
The teachers said: ‘Children, this will help you understand the rules of the road and be better riders. The skills you learn today will set you up for now, and also for later in your life‘.
That seems pretty standard and straightforward to me, as it must do to you too. However judging by what I then spent two hours (they asked me to cover two classes, what can I say? I’m stupid) watching I don’t think that’s what the kids heard because…
The kids said: ‘This is our chance to get even with the other kids we don’t like! Smash into everybody! Run them off the road! THIS IS NOT SAFETY TRAINING THIS IS A RACE – AND ONE WE ARE GOING TO WIN AT ALL COSTS!!!!’
It was like Ben-Hur crossed with Death Race 2000 with a dash of Battle Royale. I felt particularly bad for the kids whose parents had forgotten to bring a bike, and so were relegated to using the school’s tricycles instead. They were slowly squeaking round that park like Danny in ‘The Shining‘. They did not fare well against the rest, and were picked off with ease by the larger predators.
My daughter was a keen participant in the ‘race’, I saw her take down two other competitors that weren’t actually competing but were just trying to navigate some bollards. She then discarded her jacket, ostensibly because she was too hot, but I think it was because it made her less efficient, as after that her hit ratio went through the roof. It’s very odd to see such a mad gleam in the eye of someone who is only four-year’s old, and is wearing a pink Disney’s Frozen safety helmet. I won’t say no next time she asks me for a second story at bedtime, I’ll be too scared to.
I got away relatively unscathed in my position at the roundabout. There were only four collisions, and one child who needed to have plasters and cuddles applied. I did have to move out of the way a few times though as some of the kids seemed intent on hurtling into me, as well as their ‘friends’.
I’m going on a museum trip next. It’s a museum full of old agricultural implements, you know: scythes and things with points.
I need to stop offering my services….
29 Friday Jun 2018
28 Thursday Jun 2018
I teach English to the French kids at my local school on Thursdays.
After they’d finished one of their exercises today (colouring the English days of the week on the petals of a flower in the corresponding English colours) they asked me what to do with the centre. I told them they could do what they wanted with it, get creative.
As you can see – and as they told me when I asked – some of them are really getting into the World Cup.
I found the little heart particularly endearing.
08 Tuesday May 2018
Posted in kids
Tags
Family, kids, love, photography, Photos, Relationships, stay-at-home Dad
Here it is, my favourite shot from our recent holiday. Showing the beauty of my daughter (Oh I’m going to have fun when she’s older) and the goofy sweetness of my son. One of those photos that makes you feel blessed…
Also the sea looked lovely too.
19 Monday Mar 2018
Posted in kids
Tags
Family, France, French, fun, funny, Humor, Relationships, stay-at-home Dad
I have endured a spate of thefts since arriving in France and I am under no illusions, and in fact know that it is being perpetrated by a couple of ex-pats.
This happens every day, at all hours and can sometimes even happen while I am in my own house, asleep.
It’s not huge amounts – but the amount is irrelevant, it’s the fact that it continues to happen that annoys me.
I’d like to warn anyone in the 18 region of France to be on the lookout for them – one is seven and the other one is four. They will be all smiles and laughs but then later on you will realise that you are 50 Cents lighter and someone’s nicked all your Ferrero Rochers.
Their usual technique is to say ‘Daddy I love you, can I have a cuddle?’ while batting their eyelids. Then while you are cuddling them the other one will be standing on a chair and hunting for your chocolates.
I have looked into this but unfortunately it appears that there is no escape, and this scam will continue, unabated, for the next 14 – 20 years and will evolve into other, more sophisticated scams involving lifts home, radio controlled cars and ‘lending’ them a few quid ‘Just till Friday’.
03 Wednesday Jan 2018
Posted in kids
Tags
children, cinema, entertainment, Family, film, fun, funny, Humor, kids, Parenting, Relationships, stay-at-home Dad
The following is an example of my daughter’s dialogue, spoken over the first ten minutes of pretty much any film that you could think of, that is suitable for children aged four. It doesn’t matter what genre it is, it will always follow the same pattern…
‘What’s that?’
‘Why are they doing that?’
‘Is he the baddy?’
‘Why is he the baddy?’
‘Is he the baddy?’
‘Why?’
‘Why?’
‘Why?’
‘Why?’
‘Where has she gone?’
‘Can I have some chocolate?’
‘I have not already had some’
‘No’
‘No’
‘No’
‘The baddy is a man?’
‘Why is the baddy a man?’
‘Why?’
‘Why?’
‘Why?’
‘Why is he green?’
‘Are they the goodies?’
‘Why did he break that?’
‘Is it because he is bad?’
‘Is it?’
‘Can I have some more chocolate?’
‘Why not?’
‘Why not?’
‘Pleasssse????’
‘Can I have some more chocolate?’
‘Where are they?’
‘What is that?’
‘Does the baddy want that?
‘Is he the baddy?’
‘I want a cuddle’
‘Are they the goodies?’
‘What is that?’
‘Is that a weapon?’
‘Why did it do that?’
‘What’s a bomb?’
‘Does the baddy want that?’
‘Why?’
‘Why?’
‘Why?’
‘Can I have some chocolate?’
‘Why not?’
‘They are the goodies aren’t they?’
‘They are strong aren’t they?’
‘Daddy you smell bad’
‘And you need a shave’
‘Can I have some chocolate?’
04 Saturday Nov 2017
Posted in kids
In case you are wondering, while they don’t say anything, I get the feeling that the staff at Intermarche ( a French chain of supermarkets) frown about this misuse of mini trolleys.
Plus points? It allows your kids to comfortably play the motion-control game that your son insists on playing (‘just for five minutes daddy’) every time you go in there. Your daughter can also sit beside him as though she’s at the cinema, and ensure that she is in ‘striking distance’ for when it inevitably kicks off.
Negative points? You try pushing two of these while carrying a pack of beer, a pizza, a loaf of bread and some milk (yes, ‘les essentials’) it’s not easy and balancing them on the kids just looks wrong.
They do make an excellent battering ram though, if you encounter any ‘dawdlers’ in the chilled meats section.
