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It has now been four days since this infernal, though necessary, incarceration commenced. My tormentors hound me constantly and it seems as though I cannot take but three steps without one or the other of them appearing, as if summoned by some dark force.

As if on cue Thing Two appears through a doorway and gazes at me, the hint of a smile playing around her mouth. What, I demand, does she want from me now?

‘Elsa’ she replies, her hideous mantra starting afresh.

‘Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! Elsa!’

Elsa. The girl with the pale face and the anthropomorphic snowman. She haunts my dreams.

I obligingly press play on the DVD player, and watch blearily as the hellish castle appears for what seems like the hundredth time in the last four days, and the tune invites me to ‘Wish Upon A Star‘. Oh I have wished. How I have wished.

Has really it only been four days?

I try to remove myself from the sofa, but her grip on my arm tightens ever so slightly and I realise I cannot leave.

Then I feel a fetid breath on the back of my neck and realise that Thing One is behind me. Snuffling and sniffling and filling my nostrils with the scent of his recently digested Babybel.

‘Pokémon’ he says to me while snorting. ‘Pokémon, Pikachu, Evolee, Snorlax, Pokémon’

This gibberish meant nothing to me four days ago but now I understand. I wearily get to my feet, forcing thing Two’s claw-like hand off my arm, where it leaves fresh marks.

‘Pokémon’ I nod to him and, reaching up, get him down his pack of cards.

‘Pokémon!’ he squeals excitedly, a string of drool hanging from his lip. ‘Pokémon! Pikachu, Evolee, Snorlax, Mewtwo!’.

He waves me away, my services no longer required.

‘Crisps! Drink!’ comes the command from the sofa, and I scuttle away to do Thing Two’s bidding.

I firmly believe that is I did not aid in the entertaining and feeding of them, they would kill me during the night.

Four days.

How can four days feel so long?

 

Diary Excerpt Of Phil, Father of two