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The two babies came downstairs one day to discover a very big surprise was waiting for them – their very own bath!


They were very, very happy about this and got in straight away!




They were pleased to be in the bath as they had been wearing the same clothes for over a year, and so they absolutely reeked.


They also wore those clothes in the bath, because that’s what you do in a bath isn’t it.


‘This is nice’ said Winky-Eye Baby, as he pretend-sploshed water all over his (her?) clothes.


‘Yes it is’ replied Onesie Baby ‘It’s about bloody time too. I thought my clothes were going to be classed as a biohazard if I let them get any dirtier’.


‘You do know there isn’t actually any water?’ said Winky-Eye Baby, with a worried frown on his (her?) face ‘It’s all just pretend. Don’t tell me you’ve been at the bleach again?!’.


‘It’s real if you wish hard enough’ said Onesie Baby.


‘Well, why don’t you shit in one hand and wish in the other, and see which one fills up first’ replied Winky-Eye Baby.


After their bath the two babies had a lovely game of ‘High Fly’, a fun game which involved them being hurled as fast as they could be at walls and doors, by their boisterous Mummy. She was a very loving Mummy, but she loved in a quite violent way, and so if the two babies were real she would probably be doing about 25 years-to-life in prison for infanticide.


Though if they were real it would probably raise more questions about how a three-and-a-half year-old could have babies.


After their game the two babies decided to have another bath, but were shocked to discover it had been stolen!


Who stole it?




‘It’s that fucking cat!’ said Winky-Eye Baby ‘As if it’s not bad enough that we get used as a teeth and claw sharpener by that thing, now we will have to clean out its hairs before we get back in!’


‘And we might catch toxoplasmosis’ he (she?) added.


‘What’s toxoplasmosis?’ Onesie Baby asked.


‘Its that disease from cat shit that killed Tommy in Trainspotting’ replied Winky-Eye Baby ‘Mind you he was a junkie with AIDS, so we should be alright’


‘Plus we’ve got no central nervous system’ added Onesie Baby.


The cat did look awfully comfortable though, and the two babies worried they would never get their bath back, but just then he woke up!



‘Oh I do hope he doesn’t bite my head again’ said Winky-Eye Baby


‘That’s not the worst thing they do’ replied Onesie Baby ‘I’ve heard when they get older they hump you’


‘No I think that’s dogs’ countered Winky-Eye Baby ‘Plus he’s having his bollocks off next month so it shouldn’t be an issue’.


Just then Mummy arrived, and the two babies had beaming smiles on their faces at the prospect of getting their bath back. Or they would have done if in fact they could smile, and weren’t just moulded lumps of rubber.


‘She’ll sort that bloody ball of fur out’ said Winky-Eye Baby.



‘Yes we’ll soon be back in our nice warm bath, I can’t wait!’ squealed Onesie Baby in delight.


However the two babies were in for a shock…





‘What a bitch’ said the two babies together.