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I pass a gentleman on my daily run, I’ve passed him before and exchanged pleasantries with him. I’m actually walking today though, due to the heat, and he questions this and then, realising I am English, asks me how I came to be here.

WHAT I THINK I SAID:

‘I’m walking today as it’s too hot, so I’m doing a mix of walking, then running and so on. Yes I live in the village, my partner is French, and we’ve got two kids. We used to travel here a few times each year but it was a long journey for the kids, 13 hours!’

 

WHAT I PROBABLY SAID:

‘IT’S TOO HOT FOR ME, I’M ENGLISH, I WALK IT RUN LIKE THIS I AM LIVING HERE AT THE VILLAGE CENTRAL MY WOMAN IS HERE, MY KIDS ARE HERE THEY COME WITH US BUT IT IS LONG FOR THEM 16 DAYS OF JOURNEYS SOMETIMES A YEAR’

 

One of the other dads at the maternelle (the French equivalent of nursery) that my daughter goes to has noticed there is a problem with one of my car tyres, he shows me that there’s a rather scary looking split in the tyre.

WHAT I THINK I SAID:

‘My wife bought the car, the seller assured her that the tyres were new, clearly they aren’t. I’ll show this to her when we get home and get her to call the garage’

 

WHAT I PROBABLY SAID:

‘MY WOMAN BOUGHT THIS, SELLER TYRES NEW, HE SAY TYRES NEW, THEY NOT NEW? SHOW WOMAN TYRES WHEN I GO TO HOUSE. CALL THE MAN LATER’

 

I’ve decided to buy some flowers for my mother-in-law as a personal thank you from me to her, for looking after the kids and just generally being brilliant. I head to the local flower shop and browse, the lady who owns the place comes out to offer me help.

WHAT I THINK I SAID:

‘I’m wanting some flowers for my mother-in-law, not too expensive but pretty. I don’t have long to look though as I have to pick up my daughter from nursery. Sorry about the French, I’m English, do you take debit cards?’

 

WHAT I PROBABLY SAID:

‘I WANT CHEAP FLOWERS, FOR THE MOTHER OF THE MOTHER OF MY KIDS, CHEAP FLOWERS? CARDS OK NOT CASH? CARDS CASH? CHEAP FLOWERS? I AM ENGLISH MY DAUGHTER HAS TO BE PICKED UP, SORRY ENGLISH, CHEAP FLOWERS?’

 

I’m at the post office, I’ve bought a faulty item from England and want to return it to the seller, but I need to know that it will be tracked and signed for at the other end, I also don’t want to pay yet as I need the seller to pay me the postage first.

WHAT I THINK I SAID:

‘Hi there, I’d like to send this to the UK, it’s a faulty item and I need to get it back to the seller. I need it to be tracked and signed for at the other end. I don’t want to pay today though as the seller has to give me the money first’

 

WHAT I PROBABLY SAID:

‘HELLO HOW ARE YOU? I HAVE PACKAGE FOR SEND TO ENGLAND, BROKEN IT IS. SIGNATURE AND TRACKING? I NEED SIGNATURE AND TRACKING? WILL IT HAVE SIGNATURE AND TRACKING? IT WILL HAVE SIGNATURE AND TRACKING? GOOD. I AM NOT PAY NOW. I PAY WHEN MAN WHO SENDS IT TO ME BECAUSE IT IS BROKEN PAYS ME MONEY TO SEND IT TO MAN WHO SOLD IT TO ME BROKEN. I AM ENGLISH. I NOT PAY TODAY. WILL IT BE SIGNED FOR?’

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