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So today, to celebrate being with my partner for 16 years, I have decided to dedicate a blog to her…

Dear Madam,

We are writing to you in response to your letter regarding the performance of your 1976 Model ‘Phil’. We are pleased that you have chosen to continue using the services of our company, and are happy to answer the questions that you have included in your recent correspondence.

  1. Unfortunately madam the legs of your Phil will get no more muscular. Due to an error in the production line the model you have had its legs switched out with that of an 11-year-old girl. We are, however, working on an update to correct this flaw. The update should go live in October of this year and will give all model 76 Phils new legs. Of a 14-year-old girl.
  2. It is perfectly normal to go through ‘up to 35 pairs of slippers per year’ (your words). This is actually slightly lower than the average for that model of 46.
  3. I do not know what they do with their socks, we have tried to work this out ourselves. We have concluded that they must eat one sock and leave the other one to annoy you.
  4. The continued requests ‘for anal’, while annoying, are necessary. This is simply a glitch inbuilt by the programmers giving them a ‘back door’ (no pun intended) to allow them access to the Phils’ interface. Without this they would not be able to upgrade the legs to the bulk of a 14-year-old girl in October.
  5. No, they will never understand washing machines.
  6. Yes, he is more than likely having sex with the vacuum cleaner while you are at work.
  7. The wrist action of the 1976 model Phils, while more than adequate for masturbation, does not have the requisite strength of later models. Thus the tap will always drip, as they are unable to apply sufficient pressure to turn it off.
  8. Yes we are aware of the ‘declutter’ issues. the 1976 model Phils have a flaw in their programming. This is due to a small file being transferred from the same year’s model ‘Glynis’, our very popular Grandma model. So he will indeed try to make your home resemble a show-home. Please do not interfere in the running of this program, or he may attempt to kill all the Sarah Connors in the phone book.
  9. Those stains on the sheets are perfectly normal it is just ‘lubricant seepage’ and happens when they reach their 40th + year of operation. At least, this is what every 1976 model Phil we asked told us.
  10. We always recommend never looking at their feet. Or smelling them. Just try to pretend their legs end at their ankles.

I hope that this has addressed you concerns in this matter Madam, but if you require any further assistance please do not hesitate to contact us.

With regards to your enquiry about our ‘Young, Hot and Italian’ part-exchange program we do have the model you requested: ‘Pablo 1998’ in stock, however we do not have it in the colour you requested: ‘Black’. Please resubmit your order and we will be only too happy to fulfil it.

Best Regards,

For and on behalf of the Perfect Fiancee Corporation,

Miles B. Dyson