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Longest time rug has remained clean after being thoroughly washed: 10 minutes, Wednesday February 12th, 10.36am. My daughter managed to put jam on it in record time despite no jam being on the menu that day.


Fastest time my daughter has woken up: 0.36 seconds, after I opened a packet of crisps downstairs, while she slept soundly upstairs.


Fastest time a pair of school-shoes has been destroyed: One day. Set by my son when a pair of ‘scuff-proof’ shoes were rendered unusable after just one session in his playground playing, presumably, put-our-shoes-against-the-threshing-machine-and-then-let-the-caretaker’s-dog-eat-the-leftovers.


Longest time taken to climb down stairs: 2 and a half hours. Another record set by my daughter, as she went back several times to get; a bag of books, a cuddly toy, a pair of sunglasses and, finally, an umbrella.


Longest whine: 14 hours 36 minutes. Set by my son, the undisputed king of whining, for what? I don’t know. I think it started out as wanting another biscuit, then morphed into something else. Possibly something fluffy?


Most bananas eaten in one week: 18 kilos. My daughter. The missing link? I think so.


Most water displaced during bathtime: 176 litres after both kids decided their bath was in fact a boat, that there was a hole in the boat, and they had to throw the water out lest they sink.


Longest public melt-down: actual time: 15 minutes, how long it actually felt 16 hours. Where? Durham city centre. When? Saturday 27th February Who? My son Why? Wanted a Kinder Surprise Egg NOW, not in 20 minutes when we got back to the car.


Longest time spent talking gibberish that no-one could understand: 45 minutes, during which time my son repeatedly mentioned a cat with panda claws, that he had a wonder-cape, and that he loved the cheese.


Longest time taken for one child to cry after both are left together ‘to eat their tea in peace’: 18 seconds. After a particularly long day both kids were placed in front of the TV to eat their tea and watch an agreed-upon programme. After their tea was served both kids proceeded to begin to eat whilst watching Peppa Pig. After a mere 18 seconds both sandwiches were on the floor, their table had been knocked over – along with the accompanying chairs –  and both children were crying and blaming the other one.