Mr Bobo (not actual name)
Whoever bought us this thing, thank you so much. An incredibly annoying soft and cuddly teddy bear, he comes with the added bonus of being incredibly sensitive to the slightest touch, movement, gust of wind or, indeed, mouse fart. Should he detect any of these factors within an eight-foot radius he bursts into one of his many, many incredibly annoying songs. These songs generally last in excess of six hours.
If it were down to me Mr Bobo would be either landfill, a pile of ash in the bottom of the chiminea or a plaything for the next door neighbour’s dog. The last one may be the most painful, for me, as no doubt he would take a while to ‘die’ and his songs would continue, as he slowly left this realm.
Chairs of Destruction
Oh how I love to trip over you, oh lovely shin-high chairs. Always a delight first thing in the morning, when the question of ‘Where is the red chair?’ is answered as you trip over it.
Despite their size these things are able to cloak themselves, a bit like The Predator. And, also like The Predator, they are out to get you. But these guys don’t care about the weather, hot or cold, they’ll be waiting just around the corner for you, to trip up and/or spill your coffee – which generally happens just after you’ve mopped the floor/dealt with some other spillage.
WWE Sponsored Table
‘Eat food on this table?’ my children seem to say to me, aghast at the suggestion that they should use it for the purpose it was designed for. ‘Why no father, not when we can use it to knock each other around with’. Yes my children, perhaps realising early the limitations of their tiny fists, feet and teeth, have begun utilising implements in their ‘rough and tumble’.
The regularity with which this gets dragged out to aid one or the other ‘combatant’ is shocking. Bonus points are also awarded as it separates into two sections, so can add extra noise and danger to the most tame sqaubble.
Fast Car Storage Bin Hat
Purpose: To store toys, balls, jigsaws etc etc inside to aid a parent in their eternal, sisyphean task of tidying up the playroom.
Actual Use: A hat or, more often, an all body disguise allowing my son to run around the house with no possible way of seeing where he is going. This has led to numerous ‘interesting’ incidents and even more numerous instances of me holding a lighter ever so slightly too close to its highly flammable surface. Only a partner who threatens withholding certain…’bedtime luxuries’ has stayed my hand.
The Ever Increasing Army of GoGos
Look at these cute little fellers…aren’t they adorable? Some of them are even shiny! Wow! So what, you may ask yourself, is my problem with them? My problem is this. I bought these for my son at a car-boot market a few months back. They were in a tin. My son admired them. The guy on the stall noticed this. He let my son have one for free. He then offered the entire box, of twenty or so, for just fifty-pence. This low price-point combined with his earlier generosity sealed the deal.
I now believe I have purchased a cursed item. I suspect if I were to return to the site of the car-boot there would be nothing there but an old man, pushing a broom. He would smoke a pipe, And he would tell me there hadn’t been a car-boot there for years. Not since the terrible car-boot accident decades before.
You see we originally purchased twenty-or-so. There are now, at the last count, approximately 98 of them in the house. They appear everywhere. They shouldn’t really be on this list as, I strongly suspect, if I destroyed them they would just reappear. At night.
With glowing eyes and revenge in mind….
Bloody Annoyingly Loud Bloody Frog Flipping Bloody Game
I don’t know the name of this hell-bound game, but they should use it on prisoners to get info out of them. Water-boarding? Pfffffft. Don’t make me laugh. Electrodes on the nipples? Yes please. Hey I tell you what, you can even pull out my fingernails, just, for the love of all things holy, please don’t leave me in a room with this thing. Unless it’s turned off.
Yes, it all looks cute and fun, and it is. But it’s like the Gremlins. It comes with rules for the fun. Well, one rule really.
Don’t turn it on.
If you do turn it on then wear some ear mufflers.
But really, don’t turn it on.
I think its design is based on an old WW2 weapon, one that emits droning noises at a specific frequency, one that causes nausea and headaches in adults. I know it’s specific to adults because the kids love it.
Did I say not to turn it on?
It was given to me as a freebie by a ‘friend’ (quotation marks used due to the fact that she clearly had an ulterior motive in palming this monstrosity off on me). Along with the potentially-heart-attack-inducing-but-apart-from-that-really-not-annoying-at-all Pop Up Pirate.
It’s horrendous, but the kids love it. I’ve found that the best way to deal with it, aside from the aforementioned noise-cancelling headphones, is to be in another room.
In another building.
Just…..don’t turn it on!