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Author’s Note: Take this with a pinch of salt, I’m just using the Dragon’s Den show as a tool, to illustrate a few annoyances I encounter when at home, or out and about with my kids.

  1. A PACKET OF BABY WIPES THAT ACTUALLY DISPENSES ONE WIPE AT-A-TIME

So you’re wiping your baby’s bum and reach for the wipes. But as usual your big sausage fingers pull out not one, but two wipes. But you only realise this mid-wipe, meaning you’ve wasted a wipe. Unless of course you are wiping their bum and they’ve had a REALLY bad nappy. Then you pull out five instead. With the all new Individua-wipes these multi-wipe nightmares can be a thing of the past. All new, nano-technology-based packaging ensures that you are guaranteed to get one wipe, every time (estimated cost per-packet, £4000).

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  1. CONNECT-A-BIKE/ TRIKE (OR PRAM)

Picture the scene: your son has just started learning to ride his bike, but your daughter is still confined to her pram, or trike. But what’s this, your son has reached an impassable obstacle, a slight – some would say imperceptible – rise in the pavement, causing him to cry out in terror and immediately start wobbling. And what are you to do? You’re on your own and have the pram – or trike – to contend with. This is where CONNECT-A-BIKE/TRIKE (OR PRAM) (name not set in stone) comes in. Using this simple steel-claw contraption you can securely connect a bike to a pram (or trike), ensuring that there is zero chance of anyone falling off their bike, and also zero chance of anyone having any fun. Ah, bliss.

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  1. STRIM-AWAY ATTACHMENT FOR PRAMS & TRIKES

You are enjoying a lovely day out with the kids, walking in verdant lush fields, and enjoying nature’s bountiful treasures. Why not go for a walk down that public footpath, the one that goes by the farmer’s field. Ooh this is nice. Right up to the point where it becomes clear that someone isn’t doing their job properly, and has let all the nettles and stinging stuff get out of control, in a bid to stop locals walking there. Well with the new strim-away attachment, these problems can be a thing of the past. A simple locking mechanism attaches this effective, 200bhp, diesel-powered strimmer to your pram (or trike) After that it’s just a simple process of using your pram (or trike) like a lawnmower, cutting back the bushes and enjoying your, somewhat noisier, walk. Goggles and breathing apparatus extra.

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  1. THE YO-YO STRAP

He’s five. She’s two. He’s going one way round the castle, she’s going the other. What to do? Well, with the all-new yo-yo strap it’s a simple case of attaching each child to the end of this bungee-rope-like length of fabric, then attaching it to you. Then watch as each child tries to run in opposite directions only to immediately come flying back (comes with body armour – for the parent – as standard).

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  1. DROOL-PROOF TOP

That job interview starts in 5-minutes, so just time for a quick kiss and a cuddle before it’s off in the car. But what’s this? It seems that darling Maisie has left a little reminder of her love on your new top, a loving, moist ‘slug trail’. Well, banish these problems before they can impede your career with the all new ‘Plasto-top’. Incredibly uncomfortable high-viscose content tops, which ensure drool is no longer an issue (caution, do not walk too briskly as friction from the tops may cause minor electrical fires). Will be a great success with….

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