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Remember the guy from There’s Something About Mary, Dom Woganowski? He was the fella that was obsessed with Mary, despite his protestations to the contrary, to such a degree that when she came back on the scene, he developed a skin condition. He was caught out at the end of the film, sniffing Mary’s shoes.

My daughter is only 20-months-old and, last time I checked, the named father on her birth certificate isn’t Dom Woganowski . It wouldn’t be, he’s fictional.

That being said, she does have some very strange shoe-related appetites.

In what may be a criticism of us her parents, and the diet we are providing her with, she has taken to removing her shoes, taking out the soles and then sucking and chewing on them. Clearly we are failing in our duties, and are not giving her enough ‘roughage’.

She usually does this bizarre little stunt at the end of a long day of running around, falling over and generally working up a sweat. So they have her ‘stank of the day’ on them.

She has yet to fully digest a sole, to my knowledge, and being as I’m generally the one cleaning up her exit I should know. Despite this, there are now several pairs of shoes with soles missing. So either her digestive juices are such that no Clarks’ branded sole can withstand them, or she’s secreting them somewhere, perhaps for a midnight snack.

It’s just a phase, I told myself at first, but it’s been going on for a while now, and she’s even started to branch out. I caught her the other day midway through removing the missus’s soles from her work shoes. Yummy. In another post on here I mentioned how she was watching a guy, who had been sleeping rough at a castle, gather his things and relocate. Now I’m thinking she may just have been hoping he’d leave his shoes, so she could have a mid-morning snack.

This will hopefully end soon and I can breathe a sigh of relief, and her mum can stop going ‘Urgh!!!’ every time she puts her feet inside shoes with slather-slimed-soles. But if it continues where will it end? Will she base her dating decisions on the fetidness of her potential suitors Hush Puppies?

At least we can be confident either way, whether she stops or continues, that she won’t be lonely when she’s an adult. After all, there are thousands of fetish clubs dedicated to all things sweaty-sole related, and she’ll be right at home with all the other shoe-obsessed freaks.

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